ing, he saw with one glance of his quick eye, that the beautiful Biddy Moran and the "green-eyed monster," were at the bottom of the whole affray. He merely required the parties to enter on their own recognisances to keep the peace.

MORGAN MANLY;

THE MAN THAT NEVER SAID "NO!""

MORGAN MANLY was among those who figured before the Recorder yesterday, and a very sorry figure poor Morgan cut. He was, as he said himself, a unit in the numerical population of mankind, but a mere cipher in the social scale-an affirmative abstractedly, but a negative practically-a machine incapable of self-action till put in motion by others—an instrument that was mute till played on by interested parties—a sound that but echoed other men's voices. Such were some of the attributes of Mr. Manly, as announced by himself when the Recorder asked him what he was.

"The watchman says you were tipsy when he arrested you, Mr. Manly," said the Recorder.

"Let it be so written," retorted Manly.

"He says, too, that you were abusive to him," continued the Recorder.

"I have no denial to offer," answered Manly.

"And that, in coming to the watchhouse, you made an attempt to escape from him," added the Recorder.

"Let the presumption be in favour of the truth of the watchman's allegation," said Manly.

"Then you admit it all," said the Recorder.

"Every word of it," said Manly.

"And have no negative testimony to offer," said the Recorder. "Not a word," said Manly. "I have made it a principle of my life never to deny any thing; never to say no! to any thing; and it is this peculiarity that has influenced my whole life. No is a word, sir, not in my vocabulary, and I doubt if I know its meaning. If a man asks me to take a drink, I never say no! If a man asks me to lend a V, and I have it, I never If a man asks me to play a game of cards, I never If I am asked to go a gunning, I never say no, whatever may be the personal inconvenience to myself. If I am

say no.

say no.

asked to subscribe to a charity, I never say no, however much I may need contributions myself. If a quack asks me to recommend his medicines, I never say no, though it may be as poisonous as aquafortis, for all I know to the contrary. When asked to endorse for a friend, I never said no ; and if a travelling mesmeriser call on me to vouch for his clairvoyant capacity, I never say no, though I were to know him to be a very juggler. Why, sir, my own miserable unhappy marriage was the consequence of my never saying no. It was leap year, sir: she knew my weakness—took advantage of it, popped the question, and I said yes!"

The Recorder told Mr. Manly that he thought him altogether too pliant-minded for the present times, when the prevailing axiom seemed to be that every one should take care of himself. He dismissed him, however, hoping that in future he would not be so prodigal of his "noes," whenever he was asked or invited to do any thing to his own or the public prejudice.

THEOPHILUS TWIST;

OR, A TAKER-OFF TAKEN off.

THEOPHILUS TWIST is a nice young man-a very nice young man at least so Miss Sweetwell calls him. He sports an imperial, carries an ebony cane, wears patent polished-leather boots, cheats his tailor, smokes cigars, sings patriotic songs at public dinners, and sentimental ones at private parties. Theophilus loves-he swears he loves-Miss Sweetwell. Not satisfied with singing for her, when they met at the house of a mutual friend, on Wednesday evening

"Be mine, dear maid, this faithful heart

Shall never prove untrue,

'Twere easier far from life to part,

Than cease to live with you"

he many hours afterwards went to her window and warbled forth

"Could deeds my heart discover,

Could valour gain thy charms,
I'd prove myself thy lover,

Before a world in arms!"

Now be it known that the mind of Miss Sweetwell is not altogether free from the promptings of the green-eyed monster.

She thinks the love of Theophilus is divided, or rather triplicated; she thinks he loves Arabella Rodwell-in this she is mistaken; she believes he loves brandy toddies-in this she is not mistaken. Theophilus has an attachment for the ardent; it is, he says, but an acquired one, while his passion for Miss Sweetwell is, he swears, deep rooted in the labyrinths of his innermost heart. The latter he calls, in his lighter moods, an affection of the heart-the former he dubs a constitutional weakness. Theophilus, too, has his patriotic attachments. He loves his country with a love deep as the fathomless ocean, wide as the western prairies, and impetuous as the torrent of Niagara.

Having on Wednesday night poured out his lay to his ladylove, and having heard no tone nor received any token of reciprocation, other than an intimation from an ebony-faced Abigail that if he would not clear out the watch would be called, he "turned and left the spot,

Ah, do not deem him weak".

for although he staggered as he walked, whiskey punch and not unrequited love was the cause.

It is characteristic of great minds not to brood over blighted hopes nor to dwell on dissolved prospects; so Theophilus, suddenly forgetting the faithlessness of his mistress, turned to soliliquize on his country and its capacities:

"It's a noble country-it's a great country-it's an extensive-I may say an expansive-country-it's a glorious country," said Theophilus, emphasizing his words as he approached the climax. "It can swaller' Mexico, gouge both eyes out of Great Britain, and whip all creation! And yet some folks say it's in danger. Danger! Why, I'd insure it myself for a quarter per cent., and include Texas and Oregon in the policy; who's afraid?"

"I doesn't know as there is any one," said the watchman. "You doesn't look like one as 'ud strike terror into the soul of any body, as the feller's dreams did in the play. But I say stranger, what's the use of you mussing?”

"Use," said Theophilus; "what's the use of a man living if he can't dwell with patriotic pride on the merits of his country. To be sure, Horace Walpole once said that patriotism was the last resort of rascals; but I say it is the last resort of discarded lovers. Hurra, then, for my country, and hurra for the constitution that guaranties to every one the liberty of speech; hurra!" "O, that ere's a wulgar error," said the watchman; "the constitution don't guarantee to men as is dumb the right of

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speech, 'cause it can't do it no how it can fix it. Besides the ordinances guaranties to every citizen, 'cept watchmen, the right of sleep, and as the old 'oman of eighty said, when she got married, there's a time for every thing;' so, if you don't shut up, I take you off, sure."

"What! take me off!" said Theophilus-" me!"-pointing the forefinger of his right hand to his breast--" who have taken-off the most celebrated native and foreign actors—our most distinguished public speakers and most eccentric private citizens-take me off!"

"Yes, take you off," said the watchman-"right off, and right off he took him.

After having taken off so many, Theophilus was permitted to take himself off yesterday by the Recorder, on paying his jail fees.

PATRIOTISM IN A SAD PLIGHT.

ILLUSTRATION is a pervading principle of the present times. We have illustrated books, illustrated newspapers, illustrated sciences and illustrated systems. Ours may be considered illustrated police reports; for instead of giving every name to be found on the docket, of persons who were arrested for being high and found low, we select one as an illustration of the lot. To-day we make choice of John Mason, who was yesterday on Recorder Baldwin's roll, and who was evidently into his liquor the night before like "a thousand of brick."

"John Mason?" said the Recorder.

say,

"In my more palmy days," said an individual, standing up in the dock, who from his appearance had been engaged in a knock-down and drag-out fight with Fortune, and had got the worst in the rencounter-in my more palmy days, I your honour, when friends, like bees with a full-blown buttercup in June, buzzed around me; when that fickle jade, Fortune, scattered flowers o'er my path; and when the still more false and far more fickle Elizabeth Jenkins loved-or said and vowed she loved me-that was a name which I never denied-never disowned; and I shall not do it now, when even the possession of a good name seems of doubtful tenure. My name, sir, is John Mason."

Recorder." Mr. Mason, you were found lying drunk last night. What are you?"

Mason-[Drawing himself up to his full height, and with

PATRIOTISM IN A SAD plight.

213 his right hand brushing his clotted and uncombed hair off his forehead].--"I am a man, your honour, more sinned against

-it may be-than sinning. Slightly inebriated I may have been, 'tis true; true it is, also, that the watchman may have been influenced by a proper sense of duty in arresting me; but I protest against all such gratuitous solicitude for my welfare. Your honour will recollect that Pope says

'Not always actions show the man; we find

Who does a kindness is not therefore kind.'"

Recorder. "My object is not to criticise the 'Beauties of Pope,' but to ascertain who Mason is, and why he got drunk." Mason." Then I shall vouchsafe to your honour such information on these subjects as I am myself possessed of. I, sir, am a victim-the victim of patriotism. You see that hat, sir!— [Here he held up for the examination of the Recorder, a shocking bad hat.]-That hat, sir had once a brim and an unbroken crown; was once a whole hat-but that was before I became a patriot. This coat, sir-now of thread-bare grain and at elbows broken-this was, in times gone by, a coat of fashionable cut, which would not have shamed the wearer;-this, too, was before I became a patriot. These pants- -but I will not proceed. Suffice it to say, sir, had I minded my business better, and felt in the fate of my country less interest, I would not be standing before you to-day. But no, I neglected my business--because I was a patriot! I made speeches which made me enemies-because I was a patriot! I went to public political meetings when I should have been at private prayermeetings--because I was a patriot! I sung political songs, and got politically and personally drunk-because I was a patriot! I now, however, your honour, begin to discover my error; I begin to think that Curtius was but a Sam Patch, who leaped into the gulf, to attain notoriety for himself, not to save his country; I begin to find out that—

I begin-"

'He that takes

Deep in his soft credulity the stamp
Design'd by loud declaimers on the part
Of liberty, themselves the slaves of lust,
Incurs derision for his easy faith

And lack of knowledge.'

and

The Recorder here stopped him short, and seeing that Mr. Mason had seen the error of his ways, and was about to do more for himself and less for his country in future, let him off without even exacting jail fees from him.