WHISKERS.

OR, A CLEAN SHAVE.

We have long been thinking of writing an essay on whiskers of reviewing their shape, kind and colour-of dwelling on their utility, as ornamental appendages to the "human face divine," and discussing wherein and how far they add to the masculineness of manhood. We think there is a natural science, though yet undeveloped, in whiskers-a something that we might call whiskerology-which if properly and practically understood, would as unerringly indicate character, as either physiognomy or phrenology. Our own imperfectly digested reflections on the matter have led us to these conclusions:With large and naturally glossy black whiskers, we always associate honesty of mind and firmness of purpose; with a moderately sized cresent-formed whisker, good nature and a tolerable share of self-esteem; with a whisker forming two sides of an angle, caution and cunning; with a short, illshaped whisker, an inordinate love of riches and penuriousness. A moustache, except when worn by military men, we look upon as an unerring indication of a lack of brains; and a tuft of beard below the under lip, as ditto in a less evident degree. Thus it may be seen that in whiskers, as well as in bumps of the head and lines of the face, there is an unwritten philosophy; and what we have stated goes farther to show the truth of the inspired maxim, that there is nothing, not even whiskers, made in vain. But we meant to speak of a pair of whiskers in particular, not of whiskers in general, and we shall now carry out our intention, placing in abeyance, at least for the present, our speculative opinions on the philosophy of whiskers and their relative connexion with the physiology of char

acter.

The whiskers of which we shall now speak, were worn by one Joseph Rogers. They were long, black and bushy, and were regarded by Joseph as precious pearls-yea, pearls beyond all price. As a further ornament to his person, Joe wore a full and abundant crop of hair, which curled down over his face and shoulders, like bunches of vermicelli in a grocer's window. His profession was and is a sailor, and in such

capacity he shipped as cook on board the good ship William Tell, whereof Captain Gardner is master, then (in May last) lying in the port of Marseilles, and bound for this port, at which she has since arrived. Joseph had not been long on board when Captain Gardner discovered that the curls of his hair, nor the length nor the size of his whiskers, added to his natural or his acquired capacity, or his cleanliness as a cook. He found that Joseph devoted more time to his facial ornaments than he did to the making of lobscouse, and that the pork and beans were often allowed to spoil, in consequence of extra and unnecessary time being devoted to the exercise of the curling tongs.

The captain remonstrated;―he told the cook that he did not approve of having his galley turned into a friseur's shop; besides, he said he liked his rations well cooked, and he should have it so he therefore ordered that Joe clip off his curls and shave off his beard, whiskers and all. Joe rejoined that the thing was impossible: he admitted that good cooking was very well in its way, but it sunk into insignificance when compared with the fuluess and style of his hair and whiskers; besides, he said he had no razor-no scissors. The captain offered him the use of both. Joe still said "No." He gave his flame in Marseilles a lock of his hair, but from all others he held it as sacred as Mahomet held his beard. The captain, finding remonstrance of no use, and that the cookery was every day going to pot, had Joseph seized by the mate, and held per force by some of the men, while he clipped off his elfin locks and shaved his whiskers, leaving not a vestage of them behind!

When the ship came into port, Joseph straightway proceeded to a legal adviser, whom he found in the person of Mr. Wolfe, who instantly, on behalf of his client, commenced suit against the captain, laying the damages for hair and whiskers at $150. The case came up before Judge Preval, who gave judgment in favour of the plaintiff for $100.

From this judgment an appeal was taken before Judge Collens, of the City Court, and here it was that those fine subtle- ties of the law, the sophistries of the special pleader, and a high order of forensic eloquence were indulged in. Mr. Wolfe found an able professional opponent in the person of Jacob Barker, who appeared for Captain Gardner.

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May it please the court," said the plaintiff's counsel, "is there any thing in the history of our inercantile marine that

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equals in indignity the case now before this court? We have heard tell of pirates making men walk the plank, but that, your honour, is a mode of punishment, the pain inflicted by which has at least the merit of being brief; but crop a man's hair against his will, cut off his whiskers, and you place on him a mark of disgrace which is never washed away—never ef-faced, if I may use a pun when speaking on so important a subject. To be sure, I may be told that men shave and are shaved every day I grant it, your honour; but then, again, there are men whom no earthly consideration could induce to submit to the operation. Thinkest thou, sir, or does the gentleman on the other side think, that a Mussulman would permit his whiskers to be shorn? No! rather would he incur the curse of Mahomet himself! If Captain Gardner and his crew, like the Philistines of old, when they shore Samsom of his locks and his strength at the same time-if, I say, like them, they took advantage of him in his sleep, the case might present some palliation; but to seize on him in his waking hours, and pinion him while they divested him of his beard, in which he so much prided himself-oh! it was wicked, cruel and unrequitable! Sir, what does the great bard of nature say on the subject He says, your honour, and I endorse his language, that

'He that hath a beard is more than a youth, and he that hath none is less than a man.'

"Sir, I will not dwell on the amount of damages we claim; they are as a drop of water in the ocean—as a grain of sand upon the sea shore, compared with the personal loss and injury we have sustained. I would, however, in fixing the damages, have your honour bear in mind the value attached even to false hair, that you may the better come at the value of the natural article. Why, sir, I have been informed by one of the first peruke makers in the city, that the value of a good spring wig is sometimes as high as $50, and that, with whiskers and moustache, or imperial to match, they frequently sell for $80. With these remarks I shall submit my case to the court."

Mr. Barker-who had been, while this speech was making, looking now at the speaking counsel, now at the court, now at some one, and now at no one, and laughing a silent laugh with his mouth all the time-now rose. We should here remark, that Mr. Barker's laugh is a peculiar one-he absolutely

laughs through his specs: it is an extraordinary mode of laughing, and yet it is his.

The learned gentleman, still indulging in his peculiar laugh, said that the whole affair was a bagatelle-a mere trifle-a trifle light as hair! He said he could not see it possible how any man could claim damages for a clean shave. Shaving was a business in which he had much experience; he shaved closely-indeed, he might say he shaved every day. People sometimes complained, it was true; but still, of their own free will and consent, they submitted to the operation, and never thought of bringing an action for damages. Besides being a shaver, he had some experience as a shavee: indeed, while he shaved hundreds himself daily, John Parsons, the barber, shaved him; and, instead of finding fault with him, he paid him monthly for the job. He did not conceive that the case called for any argument, and would, without further remark, submit it.

The judge, after having received the testimony and argument, and the law which in his opinion covered the case, adjudged and decreed, that the judgment of the court below be set aside and annulled, and that Captain Gardner pay to Joseph Rogers, for the assault on his person, $25.

We would not be understood to insinuate that Judge Collens had any personal bias in this case, or that he is ignorant of the bona fide value of a pair of profuse whiskers; but certain it is, that he has none himself

SOAP SUDS.

"O the furrin blackguard! I'll swear me life against him, and me childer's life, and the life o' me ould man—the Lord rest his sowl in glory!--that's dead six months come next Aysther."

This was spoken by a woman of Amazonian proportions, with carroty hair, and a nose to match. The thrill of her tongue told she was from the land of shillelaghs and shamrocks, and the fire and fury that blazed in her eye gave occular evidence of her dander being up-or, in other words, told that the thermometer of her passion ranged at or about ninetytwo degrees in the shade.

"Silence, woman!" said the Recorder.

"How can I be silent, yer honour?" said the indignant representative of Erin's pride-"how can I be silent whin that bluebeard of a Robinson Cruis [Crusoe] wants to chate me out o' me hard airnings afore me two lookin' eyes!"

"My heyes!" said a constable, "if she haint a reg'lar wixen of a voman!"

In speaking of Robinson Crusoe, the lady with the deeply tinged auburn hair, held out her bared arm, and pointed the index finger of her dexter hand at a bilious-looking man, who was rather profuse in the display of whiskers and moustache, and who kept working his shoulders up and down, like a patent sawing machine, while the aforesaid volley of Irish eloquence was poured out at him.

"What is your name?" said the Recorder, addressing the lady. "Me father's name was Flaherty," she replied; "but me mother was of the Dorans, of Ballymackduff, the rale ould stock."

Recorder. "I don't care if your mother could trace her ancestry back to Noah: I ask you-what is your name?"

Complainant. O, af coorse I'm called Bridget McMonahan sence I marrid; and if you don't b'lieve I was lawfully marrid, I've the priest's lines at home, in the corner o' the box, and can sind for thim."

"Mon Dieu! Mon Dieu !" said the defendant in this case, turning up his eyes in astonishment at the volubility of Mrs. Bridget McMonahan.

"Now," said the Recorder, addressing Bridget in a stern, emphatic tone" now state the complaint you have to make against this gentleman; and if you don't confine yourself to it, I'll confine you to the calaboose."

Bridget." Well, yer honour, I jist want to swear the pace agin him, for chatin' me out o' the money he honestly owes me, and there's the bill.".

The following is the copy of the account handed in by Bridget in evidence :

Jacobus De Vitol,

The Frenchman being called upon to explain why he re