A CABMAN IN A DILEMMA.

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don't,' says I; 'Speak to me, Clifford,' says she; 'Go away,' says I; My own Clifford,' says she; You be d-d,' says I; and then she sobbed, threw her hands about in a kind of distraction, and says she agin, Clifford! why vont you speak to me!' 'Cos I don't know you,' says I; "There! that's Clifford's voice, if ever Clifford spoke,' says she; 'No it war'nt,' says I, for my name's Jim Groom, and I don't know Clifford from a side of sole leather.' Vell, in that vay she vent on, sir, cryin', swingin' her arms about, spoutin' poetry, and talkin' nonsense, like as though she was a play actor ooman on the stage, until finally I had to call a watchman to help me out of the scrape. She's one of the dreadfullest cases of the highstrikes I ever did see. Vy, do you know, sir, that she axed me if her 'orrid nupshals could be perwented ?"

"You did'nt know it," gravely said the Recorder. what did you tell her?"

"But

"I told her as how I thought if she'd go home and take a nap it might perwent 'em, although I did'nt know exactly. what them same nupshals was she was makin' such a muss about. Don't you think that sleep 'ud hit her case?"

"Very likely," continued the Recorder.

"And vot's more, do you think if she was to take the temperance pledge it would do her case any partic❜lar harm?” continued the cabman, and at the same time he gave the Recorder a knowing wink.

"That will do," continued his honour, who saw plainly enough what was the cause of Miss Sophronia's vagaries and strange flights. She confessed that she had been to the theatres, and had imbibed rather more than was prudent of stimulants. These, combined with a great fondness and natural turn for theatrics, had partially turned her brain for the moment, and induced her to let off a little of the effervescence in the immediate vicinity of Jim Groom; but she promised to behave better in future, if the Recorder would only let her off. On these conditions she was discharged, and leaving the office

-full of rumination sad,

Laments the weakness of these latter times."

N 2

A TOURIST IN TROUBLE.

GEORGE JONES, a kind of nondescript or amphibious anímal, half landsman and half sailor, was yesterday an applicant for justice before the Recorder. He is a short, chubby man, with dumpy legs, and looks something like an image of Toby Philpot on an earthern pitcher. He wore a blue cloth jacket that extended down to his hips, and white corduroy pants that did not extend farther than to form an alliance with his Wellington boots. He sported a red silk neckerchief, which contrasted strangely with his smoky-looking face, and his eyes were as dull and as listless as a London fog. He was of the genus cockney, and never had been out of sight of St. Paul's, nor out of sound of Bow-bells till a spirit of enterprise not common to the denizens of the "great metropolis" induced him to cross the Atlantic.

"George Jones ?" said the Recorder.

"I's here, your vuship," said the interesting object of the foregoing remarks.

"Frederick Von Wyk?" said the Recorder.

"Dat ish me," replied an individual with a cabbage counte nance, who looked as greasy as an old candle mould. "State your complaint, Jones," said the Recorder.

66

"Vell, your vuship sees," said Jones, as how I'm from Lunnun: I's a hingineer by purfession."

"A what?" asked the Recorder.

"A hingineer," repeated Jones: "vy bless your hinnocent heyes, doesn't you know vot a hingineer be? Vell, I'm blowed if you haint a green 'un!-Vy, I makes steam-hingines and the likes."

"Oh, you do-do you?" said the Recorder.

"Yes, I does," said Jones, "and I's right smart at the business; but that beent all."

"Is it not?" said the Recorder.

"No, it haint," said Jones; "I's a hauthor, too—I's writ a woyage to Margate; and though the newspapers called it a wile production, my missus said as how it was a right clever thing, and so ven I vos out of employment she says to me'George,' says she, 'if you vant to make a fortin, you just go to America,' says she, and if you don't get no steam-hingines

A TOURIST IN TROUBLE.

151

to build, you can write a book.' 'Mary,' says I--my old ooman's name is Mary, please your vuship-Mary,' says I, if I vos to go to America to build steam-hingines, I'd get blow'd up, that I vould ;' and vit that, your vuship, she commenced blowin' me up, and as I saw no difference between being blow'd up by my vife's tongue and an American steamhingine, I put out right off."

"I have heard quite enough of the history of your life now," said the Recorder: "What is your complaint against Frederick Von Wyk ?"

"Vell, I vants my money from him. I's a free-born Hinglishman, and vont stand no gammon."

"Under what circumstances has he taken your money?" asked the Recorder.

"Vy, you see, ven I landed from sea I felt like eating a sassenger, or summit nice, and I goes to this 'ere man's shop, and I says I vants a pund o' sassengers, but they must be a wery shuperior article. You can't come cats' meat over me, 'case I's Hinglish myself.' Vit that be gets offended, and says, 'Ve haint cockneys, old feller; ve doesn't go that rig.' Vell, I buys 'em, and ven I takes 'em home they all laughs and says, 'That 'ere's a reg'lar suck!' and I asked them vat they means, and they says, "Vy bless your hinnocent heyes! haven't you heard of the dog law? Vi' that, your vuship, my suspicions became aroused—I hexamines the harticle, and I'm blow'd if I didn't find one of the sassengers vos a dog's tail, hair and all! Now, your vuship, that's vot they'd call hobtaining money hunder false pretenses at the Old Bailey-I'm blow'd if they wouldn't!"

Here the thermometer of Frederick Von Wyk's fury raised to fully ninety degrees in the shade. He threatened to sue Mr. Jones, the cockney tourist and civil engineer, for slander, asserted that he never suffered a dog, either alive or dead, to enter his premises, and protested in the name of sausage-makers of New Orleans, individually and collectively, against the cockney's imputation on the trade.

The Recorder said he had heard enough of the merits of the case, to know that it was one over which he had no control. If the parties felt ambitious to figure in court, they should respectively sue by civil process, and so he dismissed the case. The cockney expressed his determination to expose the whole transaction in his book of travels, and drawing out his diary he wrote as follows: