THE GREAT REGULATOR. 75 preserdent and 4th of July celebrations, if a feller can't live without doin' nothin'? Vy can't the legislature pass a bill for my relief? Aint I a human bein'? aint a human bein' as good as a canal or a railroad any day? and they passes acts in favour o' them; now, I calls that downright log-rollin'. But I'll fix 'em all next 'lection-I'll wote blank and weto the whole on 'em. "Before doing so," said the watchman, “you had better come to the calaboose-you will have an opportunity of introducing yourself to the Recorder in the morning." “Well, I aint no objection as I knows on, watchey," said Tom, "but pr'aps you could loan a poor feller a dime. I aint got no change, and I'm afraid his honour want stand bitters for all hands in the mornin'." "No, he's a tetotaller," said the watchman, "but he'll order you your coffee without milk, I've no doubt." "Ah, watchey!" said Tom," coffee is werry good-coffee, as Mrs. Towns used to say, is a wery good beverage for a Turk, but it aint a decent drink for a Christian, no how. A 'pig and whistle' is the only reg'lar eye-opener-if you can't get the ginivine article, you may fall back on a gin cocktail; but if you get a quarrelin' with the old ooman and wants to commit shoe-iside, take the temperance pledge; it kills fellers off faster than the yaller fever." The watchman told him he had been a tetotallar for twelve months, and had no great sign or presentiment of dying then, and bidding Tom a good night, he turned the key of the watchhouse door upon him. The Recorder made a tetotaller of him for thirty days yesterday.. THE GREAT REGULATOR. THOMAS WINDLE is the "Great Regulator" of the present day.-N. Biddle he looks upon as having been a mere abstractionist-an amateur in philosophy and a theorizer in finance. Biddle's efforts at "regulating" were confined to matters of exchange-they were soulless, sordid and devoid of sentiment. Windle regulates time-or timepieces, being a watchmaker— and time being money, and money being power, it follows that he is the greater regulator of the two. Not only can he set a watch but he can watch a set-who are about to liquor-and disdaining the frigid formality of an introduction, makes himself. acquainted with them simultaneously by the simple yet social operation of touching glasses all round. He is often run down for funds-and often wound up-by liquor-but still he is never loth to "run his face" (which he calls the dialplate of the mind) whenever the credit system leaves an aperture into which he can insinuate it. He is one of those who has an abiding confidence in the benevolence of mankind, and, so long as present wants are supplied, never burthens himself with perspective difficulties. He was yesterday brought up before Recorder Baldwin on the double charge of being locomotionless-or, like one of his own chronometers, out of repair-not able to go on Tuesday night; and of having written a challenge to a well known amateur of the turf and threatening to blow out his brains if he refused to give him that satisfaction which one gentleman never refuses to afford another. The amateur sportsman demurred to the proposition.-It embraced a species of field sports to which he was not particularly partial; he liked to see blooded horses go off-but bloody pistols going off was a horse of another colour; the tap of the drum was more congenial to his ear, as an intimation of the time to start, than the nerve-exciting words, "One two-three-fire" and he regarded it as much better sport to watch a well-contested back stretch, than to be stretched on his back himself in a contest with the watchmaker. Viewing the matter in this light, he had the challenge placed in the hands of the Recorder, who asked Mr. Windle what he had to say in relation to it, and what to being found "wound up" in St. Charles street. He pleaded guilty to both charges, but "took back" or retracted the bellicose language of the challenge. The Recorder remanded him until he found security to keep the peace. THE LAPIDARY AND THE SEA CAPTAIN. A VERTICAL SAW.* A humorous instance of the mistakes into which transcendental terms sometimes lead people, recently occurred in this city. We will proceed to narrate it, premising, by-the-way, that the written record falls short of the oral conversation. Of the hundred thousand inhabitants who form the aggre * In New Orleans playing off a joke is called running a saw. THE LAPIDARY and the SEA-CAPTAIN. 77 gate of our population, a portion of the number of them are employed in paving our streets. They are honest, hard-working men, who literally obey the divine injunction in Genesis, and earn their bread by the sweat of their brow." Political economy taught men long since the efficacy of dividing and subdividing labour, and hence the business of paving, like pin-making, has its several branches. One man, for instance, purchases the paving stones in the north; another buys them from him, and has them then shipped here; a third contracts for making the pavement, and he purchases the stones from the importer; and others perform the manual labour, or make the paved streets. The contractors may be called the "Cavaliers" of the business, and the working paviors the "Roundheads." One of the former, remarkable for the sauviter in modo of his manner, his recherché style of dress, and "dem foin" appearance generally, is one of the characters which we shall have to introduce to our readers. We shall call him the "Lapidary," for such he is called by his friends, and on this epithet hangs the point of our tale. In the application of the term to him, the march of intellect will be at once perceived. In an earlier stage of the world, and in a less enlightened age, he would be called a contractor or a pavior; but such language would not consort with people's present ideas of refinement, and hence he is called by the entire circle of his acquaintance"the lapidary." Our other character is a New England sea-captain; as frank a fellow as ever trod a quarterdeck-generous, honest and adventurous, who calls things by their proper names, and understands all proper names by their common application. Though possessed of what is called a strong mind, in the general sense, he still has one weakness— one vulnerable point of character-he is fond of little articles of vertu. He has an ivory-headed cane of quaint workmanship, which he brought from China; a tobacco-box of rare material, which he purchased from a Turk in Constantinople; a diamond pin of the purest water, which he smuggled from the Brazils, and—but we need not proceed. The cabin of his ship is, in fact, a perfect cabinet of curiosities. While taking his eleven o'clocker on a late occasion at the St. Charles, in company with a friend, they met the "lapidary," whom the friend of the worthy mariner accosted with a "How ? Capt. allow me to introduce you to my are you, -, the lapidary. Mr., my friend, The captain threw out his rough hand, and gave his newlyintroduced acquaintance a warm shake. The lapidary grace.fully raised his hat from his well-combed hair, and slightly motioned his head, acknowledging the honour of the introduction. After some common-place observations about the heat of the weather, the dulness of the times, and the number of persons leaving the city, the usual "good-bye" was reciprocally passed between them, and the captain and his friend turned away. "You called him a lapidary, didn't you?" said the captain to his friend. "Certainly I did," replied his friend, who is a wag in his way. "Now I wonder," said the captain, "what value he would set on this diamond pin of mine. I have submitted it to the inspection of several judges, and they all differ in fixing its value." "Well, said his friend, "he is there yet, and we'll step and ask him." Up they again went to the lapidary, and the mutual friend thus introduced the subject. "Mr. Lapidary, my friend, the captain here, has got, as you may perceive, a very valuable diamond pin. He wishes you to examine it, and say in your opinion what it is worth." Here the friend fell back a pace or two behind the captain, gave a short influenza kind of cough, to attract the notice of the lapidary, and having succeeded, he then commenced working gyrations with his fingers, his thumb resting on the apex of his nose, as much as to say, "Aint you up to gammon?" The lapidary, who is a regularly initiated member of the Sawyer's Company, was at once "up to gammon," and forthwith proceeded to carry out the intention of his quizzical friend. "Well, captain," said the lapidary, in a very self-sufficient tone, eyeing very critically, at the same time, the pin-"well, captain, I can't perhaps, exactly say. I have not got my microscopic glass with me just now; but your pin, viewing it with the naked eye, seems to be of very pure water-very pure, indeed! Let me see! Is that a flaw I discover in it! It is! Ah!-no, no-it is not. Why, captain, I should have no hesitation in giving $300 for that pin myself." "Ah, yes; thank you," said the captain-" but I don't mean to sell it." And then, in a whisper to his friend he THE LAPIDARY AND THE SEA-CAPTAIN. 79 added: "Why, what do you think a swindler in Chartres street offered me for it?-only ten dollars!" "Mr. Lapidary," said the mutual friend, seeing that the candid captain was fairly caught, and wishing to enlarge on the joke Mr. Lapidary, you have a very large collection of stones, have you not?" "Why, yes, rather a large collection," said the lapidary, tipping the end of his cane against his chin-"rather large, but not so great a variety as I could wish!" "My friend, the captain here," rejoined the wag, is quite an amateur in your line: he has a pretty extensive collection of minerals himself. I have no doubt but he should like to take a peep at your cabinet." ["Here's a precious saw" aside.] "Nothing would give me greater pleasure," said the captain: "indeed I make it a point wherever I go of seeing curiosities in that way." "Well, let me see," said the lapidary-" this evening,—Oh, I have made an appointment to meet a gentleman this evening;-to-morrow,-to-morrow evening I go to the lake. Meet me here at five o'clock on the evening after to-morrow, and I'll show you my collection, such as it is. As far as quantity goes, I make my boast of being exceeded by few on this side of Mason and Dixon's line, at least; but it is not for me, who have had the selection of them, to speak of their quality." The captain expressed a thousand thanks to the lapidary for his politeness, from whom he parted, promising to be punctual in his attendance at the appointed meeting, and chuckling in the anticipation of seeing on the evening following the next, the lapidary's extensive collection of precious stones! The time of appointment came, and there was the captain, punctual to the minute; and there, soon afterwards, came the lapidary and the friend of each. A "How d'ye do" passed: they liquored, and then proceeded to review the precious gems of the lapidary. The course, as laid down on the chart by the latter, was down towards the rear of the city, through Common street. They chatted on various topics until they came near the Charity Hospital, where a very large heap of paving stones occupied the centre of the street. "What a very large heap of stones!" said the lapidary. "Very," said the captain, "but worth little or nothing: I frequently bring them from the east as ballast." "What an instructive science is geology," said the lapidary. |