AN ENTHUSIASTIC PHRENOLOGIST.

59

ment that the terrors of the calaboose stared him in the face. He kept running his hands over the heads of his fellow prisoners, now giving a shake of despair to his head, and again giving evidence of inward exultation. He had to be called to order several times by the peace officers.

"George Briskman!" said the Recorder. There was no reply.

"George Briskman!" said the Recorder again.

"Why don't you answer when you hear your name called?” said a police officer, going over and giving the arm of the little man in the snuff-coloured coat a shake; it was extended out feeling the head of his next door neighbour.

The little man rose, and with what he intended for dignity replied

"When the court affixes to my name those initials of professional distinction, with which the unanimous voice of the faculty has honoured me, then, and not till then, do I feel bound to answer any questions."

"What is your name," said the Recorder.

"Dr. George Briskman, M. D." said the little man with the hairless head, “a name which I trust will need no sculptured urn to perpetuate my scientific fame, when I sleep among the clods of the valley."

"Mr. Briskman," said the Recorder, "you are charged with being found intoxicated last night and offering resistance to the watchman who arrested you."

66

What, sir," said the little man, "I intoxicated! I offer resistance to the watchman!" and he seemed to appeal to the ceiling of the court instead of the judge, to witness the falsity of the charge, and then dropping down on the seat after the most melo-dramatic fashion, he said in a subdued voice, "yes, yes, I was, I was (He jumps suddenly up, and in a loud voice continues) I was intoxicated, drunk, delirious, sir, but it was not with alcohol-I am intoxicated now, sir, but it is the effect of those copious libations which I have quaffed at the fountain of science. I have not resisted the watchman, may it please the court, but I have resisted the ignorance of the age I have battled against the prejudices of narrow minds, and I have opposed those who would arrest the march of intellect. This, sir, I have done, and this I shall continue to do till my new theoretical system of phrenology becomes universally known-till the lines on men's heads, sir, like the labels on bottles in apothecaries stores, tell their contents; in a word,

sir, till the minds of mankind are seen at a single glance through the telescopic lens of Briskman's new system of Phrenology." "Nonsense," said the Recorder, "all this has nothing to do with the charge."

"Well sir," said George Briskman, M. D. "I'll prove it. Here for instance is my own head-it is not naturally bald, sir, but I have made it so that I might lecture with the greater facility on my new system-another sacrifice of mine, sir, to science-you perceive, sir, how distinctly the lines are marked—” [Here he traced out the different bumps with the fore-finger of his right hand]" benevolence large-veneration very well developed-hope quite prominent"

“That will do,” said the Recorder, “we are not prepared now to hear a lecture on phrenology-what have you to say to the charge?"

“Will the court indulge me for a moment?" said the man with the new system; and without waiting to see whether the court would or not, he proceeded—

“Here, sir," he said, clapping his finger behind the ear of a big Irishman, who was by his side, and whose face was ornamented by a pair of black eyes and a bloody nose" here is another illustration of my new system. Why, sir, his bump of combativeness swells out like a mountain; nor, sir, is amativeness hid on the head of this individual-[He ran his fingers round to the back of the Irishman's head]-here, sir, the bump of amativeness is very large indeed-very largequite a protuberance!"

The Recorder, seeing, that the little man in the snuff-coloured coat was an enthusiastic disciple of Spurzheim and Gall, more sinned against than sinning, said: "Well, Doctor George Briskman, M. D., I shall let you go this time on paying your jail fees."

"One moment, may it please the court," said the little baldheaded man: "There, sir," he said, pointing to a Dutch boy, who was arrested for pulling cotton out of the bales lying on the Levee "there, sir, is an extraordinary head! How large acquisitiveness and constructiveness! no locality-no eventuality! and, except the watchman who arrested me last night, I never, in the whole course of my experience, met any one who has adhesiveness so large-O, that I had a cast of that boy's head!"

"You cannot take it now," said the Recorder: "Go out." The little man was shown the way out by a police officer,

and as he went he said with exultation-“How wonderfully rapid is the progress of my system! How the dark clouds of ignorance are being driven from society by the bright sun of phrenological science! Happy age! Glorious era!"

The little man having been disposed of, the rest of the prisoners were taken up and disposed of in turn.

ON A JOLLY SPREE.

THERE was a large batch of "spreeing coves" brought up before the Recorder yesterday. They occupied the side seat within the bar, and looked like men going through the principal ordeal of sea-sickness. If not of the swell mob, they seemed to be of the semi-swell mob. The crown of one customer's hat hung out on one side, like the lid of a tea canister. The knot of another's stock was turned back under his ear. The coat of a third, he being half whig and half locofoco, had divided, and was split up the back centre seam to the collar. The 'ducks' of another seemed to have been paddling in the puddle, as all ducks will be. Each and every one of them was branded with the marks of dissipation. Their names, as they appeared on the watch returns, were John Smith, Bill Brown, Charley Jones, Jonathan Swiller, Patrick O'Shaughnessy and Duncan McPherson.

"Watchman McManus," said the Recorder.

"Here, sur," said Mr. McManus, making his way up to the bench.

"What have these men been doing?" asked the Recorder. "O they were cutting up all kinds of shines," said McManus; knocking over the ashes barrels, shying stones at the lamps, kicking at doors, and disturbing the peace of the whole city. I thought, your honour, they were out of their sinsis." "John Smith," said the Recorder.

"I assure you-hiccup-I assure you, Mr. Chair, that I never sung a song-hiccup-but my particular friend, Brown, will favour the company; wont you?-hiccup-wont you, Brown, old boy?" and here he gave Brown, who sat next him, a warm slap on the shoulder.

"Silence!-keep order in court," said several of the police

officers.

"Chair! chair! chair!" vociferated Smith, Brown, Jones and Co.

F

Order was temporarily restored, and the Recorder proceeded

"Bill Brown."

Bill, on hearing his name pronounced, made an effort to move, and his head gave a galvanic motion to either side like that of a Dutch doll. He managed, however, to get on his legs, and looking wildly around him he said

"Gentlemen-gem'en, I'll give you—hiccup—I'll give you, gentlemen, the American Eagle !"

"Silence! sit down,-said the officer, going over to Brown, placing his hands on his shoulders and pushing him into his seat-" sit down sir."

The course being again clear, the Recorder proceeded"Charley Jones."

"M-m-m-Mr. Chairman," said Jones, his 'eye in a fine phrensy rolling,'-"I respond to the call"

66 Bravo, Jones! bravo, Jones! Jones' song! song!"-shouted the half dozen fuddled prisoners, and before the officers had time to interpose, Jones was singing—

"Tis the star-spangled banner,

And long may it wave

O'er the land of the free,

And the home of the brave !"

Jones was soon made to shut up, and Jonathan Swiller's name was called by the Recorder.

66 Wal, Squire," said Jonathan, "I kalk'late I was on an almighty big bender last night, I tell you, and the way we did walk into the highly concentrated hard cider or as you city folks call it, sham-pag-ne-worn't slow, I tell you; goody gracious, if mother knew I was carrying on so!

Jonathan was silenced, and Patrick O'Shaughnessy was called.

"Gintlemen, said Patrick, "unaccustomed as I am to public spaykin', it can't be expicted I'll make a great speach intirely, but I'll howld any man twinty dollars that New York will go for Van Buren, body and sowl, Sixth Ward and all."

No one seemed to notice Pat's speech, or his bet, and the Recorder called

"Duncan McPherson."

"Awe weel, mon," said Duncan, "I have tauld Patrick oover and oover again na to be so foond o' makin' his bletherin' speeches and thrawin' away his siller on bets; if he

THE SCHOOL MASTER ABROAD.

63

waats a wee bit he'll ken all aboot the elections without bettin', but the mon is daft I believe."

The Recorder thought that not only Patrick, but McPherson himself, and all their companions were daft, so he fined them ten dollars each and discharged them.

THE SCHOOL MASTER ABROAD.

ALEXANDER PERSSE, a man who looked like a long used, badly bound edition of Essays on Intemperance, was found" on the shelf," or rather on the banquette in Philippa street, on Wednesday night. He was "very well, I thank you." Persse teaches the young idea how to shoot; but finding that he could not keep pace, we suppose, with the march of intellect, he lay himself down on the banquette, either to store his mind with new inspiration or to arrange the ideas with which his mind was already stored, and prepare for another start off in the intellectual race.

"Who is here?" said the watchman when he came up to Persse, stirring him up with his long pole-"Who's here?" "Ia

I am, thou art, he, she or it is," said Persse, launching at once into the sea of his vocation, and taking the tone of his language from the "shop."

"You is high," said the watchman.

"I deny, sir, that I am high," said Persse-" All our authors, sir, who have written on the language, agree in saying that high is an adjective, because, sir, it expresses a condition or quality; now, sir, I am Alexander Persse, a noun-a noun proper, sir, of the first person, masculine gender, singular number-see here, old fellow, let us drink-and I am—I am, sir, nominative case to the verb drink. Now, sir, confess your error when you say I am high-am a mere adjective.

"Come along to the watchhouse," said Charley.

"No, sir," said Presse, "I shall decline it, and in a manner strictly in accordance with the principles of Etymology; thus, sir, come, came, come. Now, sir, the conjugation is equally simple, thus-I come, thou comest, he, she or it cometh or

comes.

"This here's all nonsense," said Charley, who was getting out of patience with the learned grammarian.

"Yes, sir," said Persse, "you are perfectly right; nonsense