LAYING GHOSTS AND RAISING SPIRITS.

41

out for a retired room : seeing a label on this lady's door, of a 'furnished room to let;' I asked her if I could live secluded, were I to become her tenant. She answered 'yes' said she was a poor lone woman and saw no company. I at once said to myself,

-if there's peace to be found in the world,

A man that loves quietness should hope for it here.' But how have I been disappointed! Instead of silence, there's an eternal uproar; this dear delightfully dirty little Tommy here, broke the crystal of my watch, this morning; that other youth Bill, Bill Smith, was cutting the initials of his name on the doorpost with my best razor on Monday, and he has torn up some of my most valuable manuscripts to make paper kites."

"You hear this, Mrs. Smith ?" said the Recorder.

"O, lor'-a-mercy!" says Mrs. Julia Smith, "Bill nor Tommy never did nothing to no one."

The Recorder advised Mr. Towers to seek out some more comfortable quarters—told Mrs. S. that Mr. T. had done nothing which would subject him to criminal prosecution, and discharged the case.

LAYING GHOSTS AND RAISING SPIRITS.

On the name of Rory Regan being called out yesterday by the Recorder's clerk, one of "the finest peasantry"—and no bad sample of prowess and potatoes either-stood erect before the Recorder. His attitude was not stiff, like that of a soldier at drill; there was a kind of classical ease about it. His right foot firmly under him, his left was somewhat extended out to an angle, and his arms were locked over his breast. He would occasionally run his right hand over his beard, or with it smooth down the hair over his forehead. While the Recorder was looking out for the charge made against him, Rory. gave a knowing wink of the eye at a couple of acquaintances who were in court, as much as to say-"Now, boys, won't we have fun!""

"You are charged, Rory Regan," said the Recorder, " by Mrs. Malone, with disturbing the peace of her house; besides, she fears, she says, personal violence from you."

Rory.--What! me disturb the pace of her house!-me

offer her personal violence! Oh, Recordher, jewel! there must be a mistake in this-it can't be me; Mrs. Malone must mane some other ill-behaved blackguard. Sure she wouldn't have the conscience to make sich a charge against her own Rory, who'd knock saucepans out of any spalpeen that 'ud say black is the white of her eye. It's all a mistake, sur."

Recorder."We well let the lady speak for herself. Mrs. Malone! Officer, call Bridget Malone."

The officer obeyed his instructions, and Mrs. Malonefat, fair and forty, dressed in a semi-mourning suit-stepped forward.

Recorder." State, madam, on what you base your charge, or rather your charges, for you make two of them."

Mrs. Malone, (speaking in a pathetic tone)-"Oh, yer honour, I'm a poor, lone widder, wid six childher, and Michael two years dead. He was the quietest husband ye iver laid yer two fine-lookin' eyes on, and- "" (Weeps.)

Recorder. "I have not a doubt, madam, of the many estimable qualities of your deceased husband; but upon what ground do you found your charges against Mr. Regan, I ask again!"

Rory."Oh, sorra a ha'porth at all, I'll engage, yer honour. Mrs. Malone is the best nathured woman in the world; but there's times whin she's hard to handle, as we say. Don't cry, Bridget darlin'; ye know what happened last night was done out of a bit of divarsion-divil a more."

Recorder." Silence, sir; let the woman state her charge." Mrs. Malone."O thin, yer honour, it's I that has the weighty charge of six small childher, and little Terry, that's the image of his own father, rest his sowl, is down wid the smallpox, and

وو

Recorder." I tell you again, madam, I want to know why it is you have made these charges against Mr. Regan. State them at once, or I shall dismiss this case."

Mrs. Malone." Oh, Rory is a desaver, yer honour; and it ill becomes him to thrifle wid the affections of a poor, lone woman havin' six small childher, and one of thim down in the smallpox. Ye—"

Recorder." Are we never to hear the last of those six small children? Go on with the charge madam."

Mrs. Malone.-"Well, yer honour, I was tellin' Rory, some time ago, that I was dhramin' I saw Mick, God rest his sowl! the night afore, as nathural as life, but that he looked

LAYING GHOSTS AND RAISING SPIRITS.

43

mighty crass entirely. Bridget,' sis Rory to me-sis he, "it wasn't dhramin' ye wor, at all; it was Mick's ghost ye saw. That was the very way Ned Shaughnessy appeared to Nelly, afther he was kilt at the fair be the Coughlans, and only the priest laid him he'd be appearin' to her ivery night sence.' 'Oh, millia murther!' sis I, is it possible that Mick's sowl isn't at rest? How could it? sis he to me how could it, whin there's no one to take care of yerself and his six childher? How could any dacint man's ghost rest asy undher the sarcumstances? It 'ud be a mighty mane ghost that would,' sis he———"

Recorder." Mrs. Malone, you have not said a single word yet pertinent to the charge."

Rory. "O give her her own way, yer honour; if ye crass her at all she's as stubborn as Bill Buckley's pig; and if ye wanted to dhrive Bill's pig to Moate, ye should purtind that ye wanted to take her to Ballycumber. She wouldn't put one fut afore t'other for ye, unless ye did. Besides,——————

Recorder."Silence, sir! Now, madam, (to Mrs. Malone) tell me at once why it is that you have charged this man with disturbing the peace of your house, and with being in fear of personal violence from him."

Rory, (in a whisper to Mrs. Malone.)-" Honour bright, Bridget darlin'! Ye know I laid Mick's ghost, and I'd lay any fellow as flat as a pancake that dar say trap-sticks to ye. -Ye know I had a sup in last night, and didn't know what I was sayin.'-I'll take the pledge to-day, and I'll make an honest woman o' ye this day week, as sure as me name's Rory Regan."

Recorder." Proceed, madam.”

Mrs. Malone."I b'lieve I'll not go any farther, yer honour. There's no betther nathured boy than Rory whin he's sober. He promises me that he'll take the pledge, and— (holding down her head)—that he'll take care of meself and the childher. Sure only for him I'll be frightened out o' me life by poor Mick's ghost!"

Recorder." Rory, are you prepared to enter into recognisances to do all this ?"

Rory. "I'll sign a bond, in the presince of the clargy, that on this day week, the widow Malone will be Mrs. Rory Regan, and that she will niver more have to fear ould Mick's ghost."

The Recorder dismissed the case, and Mrs. Malone left the

court in company with Rory, who, as he left the room, winked over her shoulder at the officer who arrested him, saying"Naubaucklish! there's no fear of Rory Regan while he can lay ghosts and make a raise of sperrits !" which latter, in Rory's vocabulary, meant whiskey punch.

A SCIENTIFIC SUBJECT.

"JONATHAN SLIMTAX," said Recorder Baldwin yesterday morning, as soon as he had taken his place on the bench, with the watch returns for the night in his hand. "Jonathan Slimtax!" Presently an individual in the prisoners' box rose on his legs. His face was what physiognomists would call "peculiar," and his tout ensemble was what painters would call singular. His hair was grisly, his eyes were as muddy as a pane of glass after a weighty shower, his face was of a wheyish colour, his nose was like a string bow, and his teeth were every colour, like a painter's specimen of imitation marble. He wore a bazine coat, with his arms out at the elbows; and his trousers, with a loud voice, bespoke an acquaintance with the washerwoman.

"Jonathan Slimtax," said the Recorder, a second time.

"Sir, it is my humiliating fate to stand before your honour,' said Jonathan, making that kind of bow to the bench, which 'peculiar circumstances,' more than an innate feeling of courtesy, draws forth.

(We now, for the first time, perceived large bundles of manuscripts, tied round with dirty red tape, protruding from Jonathan's coat pockets.)

"Mr. Slimtax," said the Recorder, "you were arrested at a very late hour last night in Baronne street, and when the watchman spoke to you, you were abusive to him."

"The watchman, sir," said Jonathan, "transcended his duty when he broke in upon my studies; one five minutes more, sir, had he not intruded, and my new, grand solar system was complete: Sir, I would have had Mars, Jupiter, Minerva, and the whole heavenly bodies, even Saturn, sir, with all his assemblage of rings and moons, I should have had within the grasp of my new and comprehensive theory, had he not intruded." "Mr. Slimtax," said the Recorder, "if it is a part of your system to be out at an unseasonable hour of the night, and

A SCIENTIFic subject.

45

giving offence to the watchmen in the discharge of their duty, the police laws of the Second Municipality do not tolerate such conduct."

"Glad you spoke of laws," said Jonathan Slimtax, "I shall now trouble the court to read my essay on constitutional law,” and here he poked his hand into his pocket and pulled out a whole file of his manuscript papers; "beg the court's pardon, one moment," he said, while turning them over, and at length he pulled one out, folded in oblong form, and endorsed ⚫ An Essay on Constitutional Law, embracing the science as expounded by the Medes and Persians, the Greeks and the Romans, the Spanish law, the English law, the Code Justinian, the Code Napoleon, and Civil Code of Louisiana, with notes, by the learned Counsellor Nokes.'

"There, sir," he said, handing the document to one of the officers for the inspection of the court; "let the court look at that; let him ponder over it; let him weigh well the principles and the maxims, and the axioms it embodies, and let him decide whether or not I am an ill used man; whether or not the world is not my debtor; whether or not I am a living instance of neglected genius!"

The Recorder said he had no doubt but that the prisoner's essay was all which its author represented it to be, but he had not time just then to examine its merits; he was placed, he said, by his fellow citizens on the bench not to criticise nor analize essays written on criminal or civil law, but to pass that judgment which he thought most meet on such members of society as transgressed existing laws, and came within his jurisprudence.

"Aye, aye, sir,” said Jonathan Slimtax," I see most distinctly your position; 'tis a plain and straight forward one; but, sir, when you come to speak of society you touch directly on my system-you light, sir, at once, as it were, on my new work for the regulation of man, the elevation of woman, and the reorganization of society: here it is, sir, here it is, just read it over, and give me your opinion of it while I remain here."

The document which he presented for the purusal of the Recorder, numbered some five hundred pages, and his honour very properly declined so Herculean a task.

Seeing that the prisoner was an enthusiast, he told him he would let him go, but cautioned him against ever being caught out so late at night again.

Jonathan promised his honour he never would, unless when testing the truth of his " new grand solar system."