intended me, but you are a little too late-there is Mr. Wil liam Thompson. Wm. T. 2. That! Oh, oh! I now see his motive for playing me that trick-he must be the fellow that took my place in the coach-and he seems to have taken my place here, too! I tell you, sir, I am the person you expected-he is an impostor! Wm. T. 1. [Aside.] I must brazen it out as yet. [Aloud.] What, sir! but I shall not dispute with you-Dr. Soothem can best decide which is the impostor! Dr. S. [To Wm. T. 2.] 'Tis you are the impostor! I know this gentleman is the son of my old friend, from his own letter which I received, with a present of fish and a hamper of wine. Wm. T. 2. They were mine-I lost them. Dr. S. No, no, that joke won't pass! you thought to pass yourself off for my son-in-law! Confess your motive for attempting such an imposition, or I'll send you to prison." Wm. T. 2. And I tell you again I am that son-in-law! But you are showing yourself to be a pretty tender father! I say my name is William Thompson! I think I ought to know my own name—it has cost me dear, for I was obliged to pay forty pounds to-day that I did not owe, to escape going to prison, because my name was William Thompson, and now you are for sending me to prison, because you say I am not William Thompson; so that I am always the sufferer. Never was any poor devil so treated as I have been to-day. Wm. T. 1. [Aside.] That must have been Careless's debt, for which I was answerable-so, while I ran off with his clothes, he was arrested for mine. Poor fellow! the similarity of names has been hitherto all in my favour, but I am afraid the tables will turn soon, and since we are in for it. Dr. S. Come, sir, these tricks won't impose upon me. Wm. T. 1. [To Doctor Soothem.] Sir, I must request you to leave him to my correction. His assumption of my name is an injury to me, and my own hand shall take satisfaction, if he still avers himself to be William Thompson. Wm. T. 2. Yes, sir, I do assert that I am the real William Thompson, let who will be the other. Wm. T. 1. Then you must maintain your right to that title by force of arms, for nothing but death shall rob me of the name. Dr. S. [Comcs between them.] No, no, I cannot allow you to risk your life against an impostor. Wm. T. 1. [Aside to him.] Tis only to frighten him into confession, sir; the pistols shall only be loaded with powder. Dr. S. Well, if you are so bent on it, though I think it is doing him too much honor to shoot him through the head Wm. T. 2. There's a pretty father-in-law! But perhaps I may shoot him through the head, and I don't care if I do— my blood's up-such treatment would move a stock-fish. Wm. T. 1. Now, sir, follow me out into the garden-I have pistols here. Dr. S. I will go with you to measure the ground. SCENE IV.-A Garden. [Exeunt. Enter DOCTOR SOOTHEM, and the two THOMPSONS following him, having resumed their coats and hats-Thompson the First with a pistol in each hand. Wm. T. 1. [Offering pistols.] Now, sir, take your choice of these pistols. Wm. T. 2. [Looking at them.] I knew they were mine, and prettily they are loaded, too; for how could I foresee, when I put three balls into each, that before night, they would find a lodging in my head! Oh, yes, they are mine! Wm. T. 1. Then, sir, I will speedily restore the contents of one of them. Wm. T. 2. Thank you, sir; but I don't like your mode of restoring property. Wm. T. 1. This is trifling: I did not come here to dispute. Wm. T. 2. That is very well of you! We come here to blow each other's brains out, and he says he does not come here to dispute! Dr. S. [To Wm. T. 1.] Now Mr. Thompson, what distance will you stand? The nearer the better to make sure of him. Wm. T. 2. What an unnatural old pike he is! Wm. T. 1. We will stand back to back, and then walk five paces from each other, turn, and fire! Wm. T. 2. That will be the last dos-a-dos I shall ever execute, for it will end in cavalier seul, I know! Wm. T. 1. Come, sir, are you ready? Wm. T. 2. Yes; but 'tis rather hard to fight for a name. 9* Wm. T. 1. Not at all; what have all heroes ever fought for but a name? Wm. T. 2. Have you no remorse? Wm. T. 1. No! [They advance to the centre of the stage, stand back to back, and walk from each other, rapidly off the stage. Wm. T. 1. turns and fires-Wm. T. 2., forgetting to turn, places the pistol on his hip, and fires off the stage. Wm. T. 2. [Staggering and falling.] I'm a dead man! Bury me decently !-Send to my poor father, and tell him he has lost his only son by an unnatural death! Wm. T. 1. Run for assistance, sir; he will bleed to death! [Aside.] Fetch your daughter, sir; I will bring him to confession. [Exit Dr. Soothem. Wm. T. 2. Ah, I dare say you are sorry now! Oh! this serves me right, for leaving poor Miss Dormer, to come down to that old savage, my intended father-in-law, where I have first lost my hair, and then my life! Wm. T. 1. If you will promise to perform your engagements with that Miss Dormer you are speaking of, and resign all pretensions to Miss Soothem, it is in my power to restore you to perfect health. Wm. T. 2. That I will, with all my heart! But are you sure you can cure me? Wm. T. 1. Certain I will keep my promise, if you perform yours. Wm. T. 2. But you'll own that I am the real William Thompson ? Wm. T. 1. I know you are. Your property, and the money you have paid, shall be returned. [Raising him up, and supporting him.] But here comes Doctor Soothem with his daughter. Enter DOCTOR SOOTHEM and JULIA. Dr. S. Well, has the rascal made a confession yet? Wm. T. 1. He has none to make, sir: 'tis for me to confess that I am not the person you expected; but that gentleman is the real William Thompson. Dr. S. What do I hear? Then you have been playing upon me all this time with your tricks and inventions, causing me to treat my dear son-in-law in so unhandsome a manner ! Wm. T. 2. Unhandsome indeed! I shan't be fit to be seen for an age ! And I'll be none of your son-in-law, I promise you. I give up your daughter to this gentleman, or any other. Dr. S. You won't marry my daughter! Here's an impudent fellow! You give her up to this gentleman! [To Wm. T. 1.] Pray, sir, if I may be so bold, who are you? and what is your name? Wm. T. 1. William Thompson, sir. Dr. S. William Thompson still! I shall go mad! Wm. T. 1. Yes, sir; and as your intended son-in-law is already contracted to another lady, I trust, after proper inquiry, you will not refuse to bestow that title upon me. Dr. S. You are a very smooth-spoken gentleman, upon my word! [To his daughter.] What, and so you have helped to hoax your father!-for I warrant you were in the secret. Jul. A little before you were, papa, 'tis true; but I knew nothing of his coming here, as I had not seen the gentleman since the masquerade. Dr. S. The masquerade! Oh, oh! then I now understand the whole plot. [To Wm. T. 2.] And how dare you, sir, come here to marry my daughter, when you were already engaged to another? it! I think you [They all laugh.] Wm. T. 2. So, I am always to catch might speak more civilly to a dying man. Do you laugh, you barbarous creatures? Wm. T. 1. Yes, sir, and so will wound is in your head only; for you have received none elsewhere. Wm. T. 2. How! not wounded? Wm. T. 1. No more than I am. you, when you find your Wm. T. 2. Well, now, I could have pawned my life that I felt three balls enter my body! Dr. S. Come, sir, thank heaven they were only imaginary. [To Wm. T. 1.] And you, my waggish sir, if you can prove your assertions to my satisfaction, I shall not refuse to bestow my daughter on you; and she, I dare say, will not object to the decision of her father-eh, Julia! [Puts her over to him. Wm. T. 1. Then, sir, Fortune, blindfold herself, has conducted me, while hoodwinked by sleep, to a happiness my own waking efforts could not achieve. [To the public.] And if, during my sleep, I have had a flattering dream of your favour, disperse it not: 'tis dangerous to awake a sleep-walker. SCENE I.-An Apartment in Mr. Nicodemus's House. Enter SERVANT and NICODEMUS. Nic. My cousin's servant, Paul, inquiring for me! What can he possibly want with me? Let him come in. [Exit servant.] It must certainly be some business of life and death, to make my gay thoughtless cousin send to me; for, though every one allows we are as like as two peas in person, no one has ever discovered the slightest similarity in our minds he has none of my solidity, none of my depth and gravity;-he's all volatility, wild, uncertain,-Hey, oh! here Paul comes. Well, Paul, what brings you here? Enter PAUL. Paul. [Crying.] Oh, sir, such a relation! your poor cousin Nic. Poor cousin? Why he hasn't, surely, gambled away all his estates on a cast of the die ? Paul. Worse than that. Ah, sir, when I look at you, it renews all my grief; poor gentleman, I fancy I see him stilloh, oh ! [Crying. Nic. What mean you? Explain, good Paul; what horrible event are you going to relate? Paul. My poor master, sir-unfortunate gentleman, he was just going to sow all his wild oats in a marriage with the young and beautiful Miss Aldwinkle, daughter of the rich Squire Aldwinkle, of Aldwinkle Hall-oh! oh! oh! Nic. Well!—what was there so very shocking in that? |
