Cumberland's British Theatre– With Remarks, Biographical and Critical

her just now in very disagreeable circumstances; however, I hope if there's any mischief fallen out between her father and her lover

Haw. The music-master! I thought so.

Sir W. What, is there a lover in the case? May I never do an ill turn, but I am glad, so I am; for we'll make a double wedding; and by way of celebrating it, take a trip to London, to show the brides some of the pleasures of the town. Come, children, go before us. [Exeunt YOUNG M. and Ros. L.] And, Master Haw, thorn, you shall be of the party.

Haw. Thank you, Sir William; I'll go into the house with you, and to church to see the young folks married: but as to London, I beg to be excused.

AIR.

If ever I'm catch'd in those regions of smoke,
That seat of confusion and noise,

May I ne'er know the sweets of a slumber unbroke, Nor the pleasure the country enjoys.

Nay, more, let them take me, to punish my sin,
Where, gaping, the cocknies may fleece;

Clap me up with their monsters, cry, masters walk in,
And show me for two-pence a-piece.

[Excunt, L.

SCENE III.-Justice Woodcock's Hall.

Enter JUSTICE WOODCOCK, MRS. DEBORAH WOODCOCK, LUCINDA, EUSTACE, and HODGE, L.

Mrs. D. (c.) Why, brother, do you think I can't hear, or see, or make use of my senses? I tell you, I left that fellow locked up in her closet; and, while I have been with you, they have broke open the door, and got him out again.

Jus. W. (c.) Well, you hear what they say.

Mrs. D. I care not what they say; it's you encourage them in their impudence.-Harkye, hussy, will you face me down that I did not lock the fellow up?

Luc. (R. c.) Really, aunt, I don't know what you mean; when you talk intelligibly, I'll answer you.

Eust. (R. c.) Seriously, madam, this is carrying the jest a little too far.

Mrs. D. (L. c.) What, then, I did not catch you to

gether in her chamber, nor overhear your design of going off to-night, nor find the bundles packed upEust. Ha, ha, ha!

Luc. Why, aunt, you rave.

Mrs. D. Brother, as I am a Christian womanJus. W. Whew!-A Christian! no, no, she's an old maid.

Mrs. D. She confessed the whole affair to me from first to last; and in this very place was down upon her marrowbones for half an hour together, to beg I would conceal it from you.

Hodge. (L.) Oh Lord! Oh Lord!

Mrs. D. What, sirrah, would you brazen me too? Take that. [Boxes him. Hodge. I wish you would keep your hands to yourself! you strike me, because you have been telling his worship stories.

Jus. W. Why, sister, you are tipsy!

Mrs. D. I tipsy, brother!-I-that never touch drop of any thing strong from year's end to year's end; but now and then a little anniseed water, when I have got the cholic.

Luc. Well, aunt, you have been complaining of the stomach-ach all day; and may have taken too powerful a dose of your cordial.

Jus. W. Come, come, I see well enough how it is: this is a lie of her own invention, to make herself appear wise: but, you simpleton, did you not know I must find you out?

Enter SIR WILLIAM MEADOWS, HAWTHORN, ROSETTA, and YOUNG MEADOWS, L.

Young M. (L. c.) Bless me, sir! look who is yonder? [Pointing to EUs. on R. Sir W. (L. c.) Cocksbones, Jack, honest Jack, are you there?

Eust. (R. c.) Plague on't, this rencounter is unlucky-Sir William, your servant.

Sir W. (R. c.) Your servant, again, and again, heartily your servant; may I never do an ill turn, but I am glad to meet you.

Jus. W. (R. C.) Pray, Sir William, are you acquainted with this person?

Sir W. (c.) What, with Jack Eustace? why he's my kinsman: his mother and I were cousin-Germans once

removed, and Jack's a very worthy young fellow; may I never do an ill turn, if I tell a word of a lie.

Jus. W. Well but, Sir William, let me tell you, you know nothing of the matter; this man is a musicmaster ; a thrummer of wire, and a scraper of catgut, and teaches my daughter to sing.

Sir W. What, Jack Eustace a music-master! no, no ; I know him better.

Eust. 'Sdeath, why should I attempt to carry on this absurd farce any longer?-what that gentleman tells you is very true, sir; I am no music-master, indeed.

Jus. W. You are not, you own it then?

Eust. Nay, more, sir, I am, as this lady has represented me, [Pointing to MRS. DEB.] your daughter's lover: whom, with her own consent, I did intend to have carried off this night; but now that Sir William Meadows is here, to tell you who and what I am, I throw myself upon your generosity; from which I expect greater advantages than I could reap from any imposition on your unsuspicious nature.

Mrs. D. (L. c.) Well, brother, what have you to say for yourself now? You have made a precious day's work of it! Had my advice been taken! Oh, I am ashamed of you; but you are a weak man, and it can't 'be help'd; however, you should let wiser heads direct you.

Luc. Dear papa, pardon me.

Sir W. Ay, do, sir, forgive her; my cousin Jack will make her a good husband, I'll answer for it.

Ros. [Coming from the R.] Stand out of the way, and let me speak two or three words to his worship.Come, my dear sir, though you refuse all the world, I am sure you can deny me nothing: love is a venial fault-You know what I mean.-Be reconciled to your daughter, I conjure you, by the memory of our past affections.-What, not a word?

AIR.

Go, naughty man, I can't abide you;

Are then your vows so soon forgot?
Ah! now I see if I had tried you,

What would have been my hopeful lot.
But here I charge you-Make them happy;
Bless the fond pair, and crown their bliss:
Come, be a dear, good-natur'd pappy,

And I'll reward you with a kiss.

Mrs. D. Come, turn out of the house, and be thankful that my brother does not hang you, for he could do it; he's a justice of peace ;-turn out of the house, I

say

Jus. W. Who gave you authority to turn him out of the house?-he shall stay where he is.

Mrs. D. He shan't marry my niece.

Jus. W. Shan't he? but I'll show you the difference now; I say he shall marry her, and what will you do about it?

Mrs. D. And you will give him your estate too, will you?

Jus. W. Yes, I will.

Mrs. D. Why, I'm sure he's a vagabond.

Jus. W. I like him the better; I would have him a vagabond.

Mrs. D. Brother, brother!

Haw. Come, come, madam, all's very well; and I see my neighbour is what I always thought him, a man of sense and prudence.

Sir W. May I never do an ill turn, but I say so too. Jus. W. Here, young feliow, take my daughter, and bless you both together; but hark you, no money till I die. Sister Deborah, you're a fool.

man.

Mrs. D. Ah, brother, brother, you're a silly old [Exit, L. Haw. Adds me, sir, here are some of your neighbours come to visit you, and I suppose to make up the company of your statute ball; yonder's music too, I see; shall we enjoy ourselves?

Enter Villagers, &c. from different sides.

If so, give me your hand.

Jus. W. Why here's my hand, and we will enjoy ourselves. Heaven bless you both, children, I say—

FINALE.

Hence with cares, complaints, and frowning,
Welcome jollity and joy;

Every grief in pleasure drowning,
Mirth this happy night employ :

Let's to friendship do our duty,

Laugh and sing some good old strain;
Drink a health to love and beauty-
May they long in triumph reign.