nently approved graphometrical, prophylactic, bring not only steel pens but iron beds parallel, trichotomical, coadjuvant pliancy, un-into general use immediately. Can any paralleled, self-renovating, ever-pointed, emend nerian Pens." But the kin ated, denticuled, spheroidical, transilient rectifi-thing be urged in defence of the present cations, mathematically serrated, of octagonal system of plucking? It has been said that angulations, amalgamated of almadine, zigzag, the geese get used to it, and that it even bemagnetic, trigonal, oblong, four-springed Tan- comes an agreeable excitement towards the latter period of their lives; like the fleshbrush, or hair-glove, employed to quickenthe circulation of old men. dred fallacy regarding eels was formally demolished by Mr. Bentham in his very last 'The pamphlet, entitled Boa Constrictor :—" eel," said the sage, "is not used to be skinned successively by several persons; but one and the same person is used successive"The stripping of geese, as practised in Lin-ly to skin several eels." Use cannot avail colnshire and Cambridge, reflects a reproach on the goose in his first and worst plucking; the imperial despot of the world, as well as upon and it must be a consciousness of this that our moral and philosophical pretensions, which This is hardly worthy Mr. Tanner. Any one can write down a string of hard words at random. But the large and respectable class of the community who refused to consume home-made sugar, will be compelled, by the following paragraph, to forswear the employment of the quill are accounted the most perfect and excellent to be makes the young ones so very noisy and imagined, and this cruelty is apologized for by unruly." The complaint of the operator reutility; but what plea can be offered for such minds us of the fishmonger who was overpreposterousness, whilst creation is agonized heard cursing an eel for not lying still. and tortured in order to afford a scanty supply of Neither is the behavior of the elderly that which Art abundantly furnishes us, and this of super-excellent qualities. Were a disciple of geese a proof that they do not suffer pain, Descartes to witness the streams of impurpled any more than the composure of Guatimodye, and the half-expiring contortions of these zin was a proof that he was really on a bed birds, he would recant alliance to that vain rea- of roses. The Strasburg goose is fixed soner; however, the intelligent majority form a near a great fire, with its feet nailed upon a powerful rampart in our favor, who, by their plank, crammed with food, and deprived of example and influence, produce more charity drink; yet "when he reflects that his than volumes of human eloquence. The geese liver, bigger than himself, loaded with trufare plucked five times a-year for feathers and quills: the first of which is at Lady-day, and the fles, and clothed in a scientific paste, will, same renewed four times between that and through the instrumentality of M. Corcellet, Michaelmas; the old ones submit quietly to the diffuse all over Europe the glory of his operation, but the young are very noisy and un-name, he resigns himself to his destiny, and ruly. I observed that goslings of six weeks old suffers not a tear to flow."* A Lincoln were not spared this bleeding process, to habitu ate them early to what they were to come to. If goose may surely equal a Strasburg goose the season prove cold, numbers hereof die by this in fortitude, when he reflects that his down barbarous savage custom. Irecently addressed may form the couch of beauty, and the one of the operators, who complained, with affected noblest productions of genius be transmitsensibility, how difficult it was to possess the plu-ted to posterity by his quill. mage without the life! which the expiring contortions of several birds indicated. Cannot the Sci-bers, from which the purchaser is recomMr. Tanner's pens are classified by numence of Writing be improved and increased with- mended to select. No. 5, is the Fine Ladies' out inflicting such violence? The Roman and Spartan historians descant upon their jurispru- Pen; No. 6, is the Solicitor's Pen. The dence code, advocating greater lenity to the other numbers are distinguished by the dumb than to man; and in the present refined hardness or softness of the instrument. state of society, we anticipate the system of mercy (i. e. the use of Tanner's Pens) to be adopted generally, and this hope of reformation arises from the intelligent majority, who recognise and respect the feelings of creation that vibrate in ourselves, and who endeavor by practice to lessen the preponderation of torture imposed on its happiness. But Great Britain, rich in arts and sciences !' The abruptness of the concluding apostrophe proves Mr. Tanner to be no mean Proficient in rhetoric, though the grammatical structure of his sentences might be improved. The argument ad misericor diam is unanswerable, and will probably Mr. Tanner is also the sole inventor of a wonderful ink, the only ink which can be used with his pens without disgracing them: "Tobago Permanent Anti-corrosive Limpid Ink, and Immarcessible Atramental Fluid-That facilitates writing by flowing from the pen in a certain gradual stream to the paper, obviating the unpleasant obstruents which are so justly complained of in other inks. "Unmindful of controvertists, we declare that this succedaneum must supersede all others! Why? For obvious reasons. During a Five years' residence in the island of Tobago, I observed the sudden exsiccative effect that the cli * Almanach des Gourmands. mate produced upon Inks imported: this induced me to experiment upon the indigenous plants, woods, and barks there, in which, after a lengthened perseverance, I discovered ingredients that produced a cerulean atramental Limpid Fluid, and which preserved its fluency without absorption under the sun's verticality; the transcendent superiority hereof stands unparalleled in the annals of record, for resisting arefaction, refluents, concretion, sediment, tenacity, greasiness, and every chemical and atmospherical agent, and for combining denigration, limpidness, permanency, fluidity, to perfection. The possessed written documents, performed with the same seven years since, will abundantly demonstrate this Credenda." A late member for Southwark was once pleased to talk of a phenomena in the House "This Credenda" may be of Commons. justified on the same principle. We hope Mr. Tanner will be sent for five or seven years to some other island, for ink has not yet been brought to perfection. For when cold scraps provoke his spleen Soothed by a taste of Goodman's sauce." Madame de Sévigné tells us that Vatel fell upon his sword because the sea-fish did not arrive in sufficient quantities, despairing not at the non-arrival of one but many fish-carts; and we do not exactly see how Mr. Goodman's sauce could have averted the catas trophe, unless indeed it could convert pike "The goose that on our Ock's green shore Is twice the goose it was before, When washed with Neighbor Goodman's sauce. Where Kennet's silver waters loss, The advertisement of "Goodman's Vale Sauce" is a regular literary olio, a sort of prolusio academica, as much within our crit- The concluding invocation is beyond all ical jurisdiction as Dr. Hawtrey's Trilogy, praise. The readiness of the Kennet trout in which the same sentiments are clothed and eels to bleed for the honor of Berkin three languages. Mr. Goodman's inven- shire, is only to be paralleled by the Strastion is celebrated in four; English, French, burg goose aforesaid, who was probably in German and Italian. The English, we learn the mind of the poet. from good authority, is from the able pen of "Buller of Brazennose," a well known contributor to Blackwood's Magazine. It seems that Mr. Goodman differs in one respect from Homer. His birthplace is well known, being Uffington in Berkshire. The first stanza places this fact beyond dispute "Our hill, of pic-nic spots the chief, Where fair ones, couch'd on flowery moss, Enjoy our matchless vale-fed beef Married to Goodman's matchless sauce. The bold Uffinga's bones repose Beneath our ancient Minster's cross; On our rich soil the mushroom grows That lends a zest to Goodman's sauce." The first of these verses throws a pleasing light on the habits of the Uffington beauties, who, it appears, eat beef reclining on moss, like Roman beauties on their cubicula. The second rather indiscreetly discloses a main ingredient in the condiment. "Great Condé's cook fell on his sword, Despairing at his fish-cart's loss; A proof that Condé's princely board Lack'd such resource as Goodman's sauce. In the second volume of his "American Notes," Mr. Dickens gives some pages of advertisements like the following "RAN AWAY, Negress Caroline.-Had on a collar with one prong turned down." "RAN AWAY, the Negro Ham.-Has a ring with iron on his left foot. Also, Gresi, his wife, bearing a ring and chain on the left leg." "RAN AWAY, a Negro Woman and two children; a few days before she went off I burnt her with a hot iron on the left side of the face. I tried to make the letter M." "RAN AWAY, a Negro named Arthur.-Has a considerable scar across his breast and each arm, made by a knife: loves to talk much of the goodness of God." This man Arthur must be as complete an optimist as "Candide's" tutor. It is impossible not to agree with Mr. Dickens, that such a state of things is disgraceful to a country which claims to be considered the greatest and most enlightened in the world; but we regret, that, with so many unanswerrested the chief strength of his argument able topics within his reach, he should have on a fallacy. It is a fallacy to attribute duelling, as practised in the slave-holding states, or many other brutal practices that prevail in them, to slavery. The Greeks and Romans did not fight duels, nor was it customary for the planters in our own sugar islands to shoot or stab each other in their Houses of Assembly. In the volume of Essays by which the same gifted author, under the signature of "Boz," first fixed the attention of the public, is an Essay on gin-shops, at the commencement of which he takes occasion to mention the liability of trades to run starkstaring mad, periodically. We will cite two or three cases in illustration of our meaning:-Six or eight years ago the epidemic began to display itself among the linen drapers and haberdashers. The primary symp toms were, an inordinate love of plate-glass, and a passion for gas-lights and gilding. The disease gradually progressed, and at last attained a fearful height; quiet, dusty old shops in different parts of town were pulled down; spacious premises, with stuccoed fronts and gold letters, were erected instead; floors were covered with Turkey carpets; roofs supported by massive pillars; doors knocked into windows; a dozen squares of glass into one; one shopman into a dozen; and there is no knowing what would have been done, if it had not been fortunately discovered, just in time, that the commissioners of bankrupts were as competent to decide such cases as the commissioners of lunacy, and that a little confinement and gentle examination did wonders. The disease abated. It died away; and a year or two of comparative tranquillity ensued. Suddenly it burst out again among the chemists; the symptoms were the same, with the addition of a strong desire to stick the royal arms over the shop door, and a great rage for mahogany, varnish, and expensive floor-cloths. Then the hosiers were infected, and began to pull down their shop-fronts with frantic recklessness. The mania again died away, and the public began to congratulate themselves upon its entire disappearance, when it burst forth with tenfold violence among the publicans and keepers of wine-vaults. From that moment it has spread among them with unprecedented rapidity, exhibiting a concatenation of all the previous symptoms; and onward it has rushed to every part of the town, knocking down all the old public houses, and depositing splendid mansions, stone balustrades, rosewood fittings, immense lamps, and illuminated clocks, at the corner of every street." These are the standing advertisements of blue, and other sorts of ruin,-" liquid fire and distilled damnation," as the late Robert Hall was accustomed to denominate the refreshments that are sold in them under such a tempting variety of names:-"The Cream of the Valley," "The No Mistake," "The Regular Flare Up," "The Butter Gin," "The Genuine Bread Gin," &c. The Bread Gin probably suggested the well-known baker's advertisement, "Bread with the Gin in it." Unfortunately the madness of speculation is not confined to trades. There are strong grounds for suspecting that the classes most removed from the risk of infection, have been bitten by it. The majority of the sufferers by Mr. Cave's bankruptcy were ClergyVol. II. No. I. 2 men, who had intrusted him with large sums upon the faith of the most preposterous statements; and Sir C. F. Williams (the bankrupt commissioner) took occasion to make reflections on the proneness of the Clergy to be led astray by the filthy love of lucre. The Political Economists suffered most from the failure of the United States Bank. The losses incurred by other instances of American insolvency and bad faith were pretty equally distributed; nor can any one be blamed for not supposing that such a barefaced system of robbery would be attempted by States pretending to the honors or advantages of civilization. The top of the second column of the Times is devoted to advertisments of the pathetic, appealing, interesting, remonstrating, despairing, or denouncing order "FOR God's sake return or write.-Do, dearest Billy, do." "Fy and M-e are implored to return to their home and sorrowing parents.-E." "To CHARLES.-What can be the good of plaguing us? At all events, you might give us a line." "Thus I sue for forgiveness.' The writer is desired to return immediately to the port at which he shipped himself; he will go to an inn and report himself instantly by letter, addressed to A. B., 5, Museum Street, Bloomsbury, who will there see him; or he can write an uncle, (a new, but idiomatic expression.) He will communicate his wishes." "How can C. T. prefer wandering amongst strangers to a quiet and virtuous home? If he will come back, the greatest care shall be taken of him during his mental aberrations." "To R. E. L.-You have only a week more. Repent and reform within this time, or we cast you off for ever." The two following are well known "IF WILLIAM will return to his affectionate parents, he shall not be snubbed by his sister, and be allowed to sweeten his own tea." "To M. N.-If you don't choose to come back, please to return the key of the tea-caddy." These are probably paid at a high rate. Indeed, no sort of sentiment is cheap. Dr. H. called at the Times office to inquire the charge for inserting the death of a relation. A surly clerk said, ten shillings. Dr. H. remonstrated, and said he had only paid seven shillings for the last: "Oh," said the clerk, "that was a common death, but this is sincerely regretted." "Well, my friend," said the Doctor, laying down the ten shillings, "your executors will never be put to that expense." We wish the " sincerely regretted" cost ten times as much; for nothing can be more preposterous than such a mode of paying We made diligent inquiries for this estabcompliments to the merits of a dear defunct. lishment, but in vain. It is certain, howThe bare fact is the most touching of rec- ever, that many gentlemen parade the streets ords; and we have heard that Mrs. Norton's in fixed spurs who never possessed a horse, beautiful ballad of "The Exile's Return," and would find it no easy matter to stick to was suggested by the plain announcement him if they had one. "Jack Brag" paid so of the death of a young man on his return much a year for the rent of a few square from India, in the Downs. inches of a door in Grosvenor Street, that, by aid of a brass plate, he might gain the credit of living there; and if we turn to the "Court Guide," and read over the names of those who are supposed to live at the first-rate hotels, we shall find several who have no better claims to a well-sounding address than our friend Jack. A still more curious fancy was that of a wealthy tradesman, who bore so striking a resemblance to the late Duke of Devonshire, that his grace's most intimate friends often bowed to his double, by mistake. It was this man's pleasure to dress exactly like the Duke, and then stroll through Pall-Mall and St. James's Street, for the purpose of receiving as many of these mistaken marks of attention as he could. We know an artist of reputation who dresses as the conqueror of Waterloo; Count d'Orsay has three or four doubles; and there are few Park of a respectful bow by Mrs. L.'s fraudulent equestrians who have not been cheated out imitation of the royal carriage and outrid The following are rich specimens of this sort of necrological eloquence. The widow of an eminent composer states, that "He has left this life, and gone to that blessed place where only his harmony can be exceeded." The widow of a famous pyrotechnist adopts the idea with a variation: "He is gone to that blessed place where only his fireworks can be exceeded." Still more expressive is the parting tribute to the merits or demerits of a Jamaica slave-driver: "He is gone to a place where he will find little difference either in the climate or the complexion of the company." The labor English people undergo to appear fashionable, or something else which they are not, is the constant subject of satirical reflection on the Continent. The most ludicrous fictions are founded on this supposed weakness. For example ers. sense and "There exist in the suburbs of London, establishments which are called "Splashing-Houses," (maisons d'éclaboussures.) A man of fashion, who possesses neither houses, lands, nor kennels, but who has credit with his tailor, announces to Every one has heard the story of the man all his acquaintance that he is about to leave who, when Pitt inquired what could be town for a few days' hunting. He quits the done to forward his interests, simply resumptuous hotel in which he lodges at the west-quested the Prime Minister to bow to him end, gives notice that he will be absent eight or There was some in public. ten days, and hides himself in an obscure inn situate in the other extremity of the city. The knowledge of the world in this request; proper moment having arrived, he dresses him- nor was it altogether an unmeaning affectaself in an entire and complete hunting costume of tion in Brummell, when, in reply to a noblethe newest fashion. That done, he gets into a man of the highest rank who accused him hackney-coach and drives to a "splashing- of inveigling his son into a disreputable house, where, for the moderate sum of seven gambling transaction, he exclaimed,shillings, he is splashed from head to foot. These Really, I did my best for the young man. establishments have mud from all the counties, particularly those of them renowned for hunting, I once gave him my arm all the way from and are provided, moreover, with a wooden White's to Watiers'." The value still set uphorse. The attendant who performs the func-on modish or noble acquaintance is proved by tions of a groom asks, with the utmost gravity, the pages of the Morning Post; where we if the gentleman desires to return from Bucking- are informed that Mr. Thompson has just hamshire-from Staffordshire-from Derby- returned from a visit to the Duke of shire, &c. When our "fashionable" has made his choice, he mounts the automaton quadruped, or that Mr. Jackson entertained a distinwhich, by the most ingenious mechanism, raises guished party (naming the best of the perhis hind and fore-legs, ambles, trots, gallops, and sons invited) at his mansion in Portland bespatters his rider with as much mud, and with Place; each of these insertions costing from the same regularity, as could a real horse cross-seven to ten shillings. Sometimes an asing the fields in full chase. The operation terminated, the elegant gentleman, his cutting-whip in his hand, reascends Bond Street, Regent Street, Piccadilly, Pall-Mall, &c., and thus impresses all the world with the belief that he has been one of a superb hunting party.-Almanach Prophetique for 1843. pirant kindly incurs the same expense to inform us how he intends to dispose of himself during the next month or two. None of the learned professions are altogether free from charlatanry; and the Medical profession, after making all due allow prey, ance for popular prejudice, must be admit-ingly jealous of its dignity. Still, there is ted to contain a great deal. In fact, a young truth in the remark incidentally hazarded by man commencing the practice of physic, the sagacious Peter Peebles, when he is must be very singularly (we will not say describing the effect produced by the callhappily) constituted, if he does not find it ing on of his cause. "A' the best lawyers advisable to appear different in some res- in the house fleeing like eagles to the pects from what he is. An extreme gravity some because they are in the cause, and of deportment is indispensable; and it is some because they want to be thought engenerally deemed expedient to wear spec-gaged-for there are tricks in other trades tacles. We have even heard it contended that a physician ought to begin, where others are content to leave off, by setting up a carriage and a wife. He ought not to go to church above once a quarter, and then be called out in the middle of the sermon or the communion service. He should ride or drive remarkable horses, so that bystanders may exclaim "There goes Dr. ;" and he should never attend, or never stay out a dinner-party until his reputation is firmly established; when his being seen mingling with the world will rather add to his fame, by making people wonder how he manages to do so many things at once. An oddness or surliness of manner has succeeded in two or three remarkable instances, but of late years has been rather overdone. In the Standard of the 7th November, 1842, among the regular advertisements this will be found "Dr. Granville is returned for the season to his residence in Piccadilly from the Continent, and a professional tour in the north of England." This was probably intended for insertion amongst the "fashionable movements," and slipped into its actual position by mistake. At all events, it must not be regarded as a precedent. Physicians who wish to announce their arrival, should do so indirectly, in the manner of the late Dr. Brodem. He was in the habit of exhibiting a magnificent gold snuff-box inlaid with diamonds (or Bristol stones), which (he said) was a present from an Emperor. An advertisement appeared in a Salisbury paper, stating that the box had been left in the chaise which brought Dr. Brodem to the hotel, and offering five hundred guineas for its recovery. A friend calling on him just afterwards, began condoling with him on the loss of his box, when the doctor produced it from his pocket and requested the visitor to take a pinch. "Sare, it was no lose at all," (his accent and idiom were slightly foreign,) '-dis was one little drick to make you know I vas come." Surely Dr. Granville could have lost one of his foreign orders for the nonce, instead of scandalizing the whole College of Physicians by an advertisement. Members of the Bar are more under the surveillance of the body, which is exceed by selling muslins." A Barrister whose briefs are like angel's visits, must make the most of them when they do come, and gloss over the deficiency by a show of active occupation when they do not. Some contrive to keep up the delusion without any briefs at all, by a sedulous attendance in the Courts, or rather in the adjoining robingrooms and coffee-houses, though the initiated are well aware that this, intellectually considered, is a most deteriorating sort of idleness. The only allowable mode of advertising is one instanced by Lord Brougham-the publication or even announcement of a book, which has been sadly overdone, and now affords slight prospect of success. When Lord Loughborough first joined the English Bar, he solicited Mr. Strahan, the printer, to get him employed in city causes. The propriety of such con duct being doubted in Dr. Johnson's presence, he declared-"I should not solicit employment as a lawyer, not because I should think it wrong, but because I should disdain it." Professional etiquette is quite clear upon the point; any canvassing for business, particularly amongst attorneys, is denounced under the denomination of huggery. As some of the rules adopted for the prevention of this offence have been ridiculed on the score of undue fastidiousness, we are tempted to extract a defence of them by Mr. Sergeant Talfourd, from his admirable Essay on the Bar, recently republished in America amongst his Miscellanies "Men who take a cursory view of the profession, are liable to forget how peculiarly it is situ ated in relation to those who distribute its business. These are not the people at large; not even the factitious assemblage called the public; not scholars, nor readers, nor thinkers, nor admiring audiences, nor sages of the law, but simply Attorneys. In this class of men are, of course, comprised infinite varieties of knowledge and of worth; many men of sound learning and honorable character; many who are tolerably honest and decorously dull; some who are acute and knavish; and more who are knavish withRespectable as is the staout being acute. tion of attorneys, they are, as a body, greatly inferior to the Bar in education and endowments; and yet, on their opinion, without appeal, the fate of the members of the profession depends. It |