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glimmering spark of a false Tory's life.
But how stand we with the Whigs? -We stand over them with a determined countenance, in which there is no trace of pity, while they are lying prostrate at our feet. We do not greatly value ourselves, that we struck them to the ground. Their own folly, treachery, and cowardice, wrought their overthrow, we only trod them under feet, whenever they strove to rise, we floored them-not with grassers, but with mirers; and then holding them up with one hand, punished them with the other, in sight of the great ring of Europe. The Whigs of the day know our power, and they fear it. First they scornedthen they blustered-then they whined-then scorned again-then cried out foul-then fell without a blowthen shewed the white feather, and then bolted. Did not they give the challenge? And what right have they to complain, if we never gave them a chance, having youth, blood, bottom, weight, height, length, strength, and skill all on our side? We said smash -and they were smashed.
Some few of the Whigs were men of talents; and in a small village, like Edinburgh, had been suffered to vaunt and vapour, till absolutely none but themselves were deemed worthy to wag a tongue. They did not relish a blow on the jugular-and began to suspect that when men play at bowls, they may meet with rubbers. There was, however, some excuse for the haughtiness of these gentlemen, who, we grant, are not altogether utter ninnies;-but, gentle reader, what do you think of the slim-slender-slobberysouled scavants, from seventeen to seven-and-twenty, who, on our first appearance, began to cheep and chuckle, and thought to crow over Christopher North? What think you of the sinall Whiglings of the Parliament-House, with incipient coxcombs, and nascent spurs, taking a fly at the old Cock of the North, all dubbed and steeled for the sod, fed, clipped out, and victorious in a hundred mains? We had no ambition to be a chicken-butcher; but we took into our beak these little deluded dunghills, and after a few strokes, drove them in consternation to their beparritched cavies. Every
now and then, when they thought the Old Cock of the hundred combats was at a distance, they thrust their noses through the bars, and ventured on a hesitating crow; this they thought shewing pluck, but on the most distant intimation of our approach all the pens were still, and all our little Whig warriors panting like mice in the straw.
But to cut imagery;—the naked and unadorned fact is, that it had become customary, about a couple of years ago, for the young dullards of the Whig party to deny our talents! "There is, we grant you, now and then, some ability in Blackwood!!" muttered these wooden oracles, “but very little research!!" On the very same principle, we understand that the greatest curiosity in the world, now exhibiting on the Earthen Mound, Mr Wardle, who measures exactly 28 inches on his stocking-soles, admits, when driven into a corner, that the American giant who is his next-booth neighbour, is a man of some size, that is, somewhat about eight feet high. The candour of the small coxcombs in admitting occasional symptoms of ability in Ebony, appeared to themselves in the most amiable light; and we remember one of them, praising the Latin translation of Chevy Chase, and in the excess of his erudition, misquoting one line into bad grammar and another into false quantity.
"Some verses in the Chaldee were not amiss!" they were graciously pleased to own, before several members of the Stove-School. Our humanity was touched; and three of these infants will remember us taking them aside, and patting them on their heads, (rather jacobinically greasy for our taste,) with a strict injunction never again to make such an indecent exposure of their naked intellects. They staredthey strutted-they stuttered-they scowled ;-but we were inexorable; and commanding silence, on pain of a Notice, they then and thenceforth held their peace.
In every circle of society that is the size of a Swedish turnip, there is a man or two of wit, possibly an old maid. They pun-say sharp thingsand write quatrains. Their witticisms are like caraway comfits to the buttered toast at tea-parties; and " if they would but publish, how their writings
sale to have risen 3000 since our last report. When the sale of a Magazine reaches 20,000, it assumes a stationary appearance. Perhaps it is still continuing to increase, but the imagination is not affected by the addition of a few scores or hundreds to so many thousands, and the state of the mind is sceptical. Had we not created so many other excellent Magazines, it cannot admit of a doubt that our sale would, ere now, have been 40,000, which proves, to a demonstration, that our sale is now exactly equal to that of all the other Magazines put together.
would sell!" The Tee-totum School s on the whole whiggish. When Ebony was talked of, in every such arty of six, there were at least three ejected contributors. "Our personlity was odious,” snuffed and hissed ›ut the spiteful tabbies and surly tomcats of the coterie. "He makes game of personal infirmities," quoth a sour ɔlack virgin plumb-damasc; " but let the old hobbling varlet look to his own heumatism." Thither repaired the pigmy praters of the Whigs, and quoted Jeffrey against us. The young satirists were pressed to marmalade, and made to sit down to a rubber. No one was there to take our part;-and before "she lay down in her loveliness," the old Christabel drank to our downfall in a bumper of cogniac.
Most of our enemies have now ceased to be so in the course of nature. The clever and middle-aged Whigs are waxing dull and old,-and though still somewhat peevish, seem prudently disposed to let us alone so may they doze and drivel in peace. The weak and young Whigs have become middle aged, and their foziness can no longer be concealed, so we have no satisfaction now in playing with them at football. Many ancient maidens have gone the way of all flesh, to burial or the nuptial bed, and attack us no more either in mould or matrimony. We are often miserably low-spirited for want of enemies, and know not where to look for a victim to sacrifice to our fury. We have been too long sailing down a quiet stream, and long for a waterfall over which we might plump into a more lively and troubled existence. At one time the hands of many men were against us, but now every paw is at peace-we can no longer wear gloves-and our head nods like that of a Mandarin in perpetual salutation. We are oppressed by the politeness, and fear that we shall eventually sink under the gratitude, of the hu
But somewhat too much of this; so let us speak a few words about our sale. Mr Blackwood and We have lately had some trifling disputes on this point. He seems to us, why we know not, anxious to conceal the limits of his circulation. He will not own to 20,000, though we think we have data to go upon, when we assert the
Now, we have a plan to submit to the consideration of our brother Editors and Proprietors all over the island -a plan of a Consolidated Fund. There may be objections to it of which we are not aware, and therefore it is with diffidence that we now exhibit an Outline.
We propose, then, that there shall be a Magazine, still called Blackwood's Magazine, of which we are to be Prime Editor; but that it shall be published once a-fortnight, and that the price shall be ten shillings. We think that all the small print,-i. e. deaths and marriages, promotions, meteorology, &c., may be, once for all, sent to the Devil, and that the whole ought to consist of original articles. Each number must consist of 500 pages, being equal in size to about four numbers of any living monthly miscellany. It will thus cost each subscriber L.12 ayear. Now, each page will average about six ordinary octavos, so that each number will contain about 3000, or be equal to about ten good whacking volumes. A year produces twenty-four numbers, or 240 good whacking volumes, all for L.12, which is exactly one shilling a head. Now in this way, we conceive, could 50,000 libraries be formed in a single year all over Great Britain and Ireland. Nobody will be so absurd as to believe that the sale would stop at 50,000. But we shall call it only 50,000, as it is pleasant to reason within safe limits, even in a grand speculation. A steady annual sale of 50,000 produces the grand total of L.600,000, to a single farthing. We shall say that printing, &c., costs L.200,000, or one-third of the whole. That the proprietors and the trade in general draw another third,
L.200,000; and that the Prime Editor, the Subordinates, and Contributors, pocket the remaining L.200,000. A very few minutes consideration will suffice to point out the manifold advantages of such an arrangement.
In the first place, an instantaneous shove will be given to the paper manufactories of the kingdom. Mr Cowan will become one of the richest men in Scotland. What Mr Ballantyne will do, we know not. He must build new premises about the size of the Glasgow Barracks, and set a hundred presses at work, otherwise he never can print the Magazine, and also the Scotch Novels. What a shew of devils! How the imps will pour forth into daylight when the great floodgates of Pandemonium are flung open, and they all issue out to dinner over the Old Town, seeking what they may devour! Devils live cheap; at their ordinaries we have heard they dine devilish well at twopence an imp. As to our worthy printer, he will be enabled in a few years to purchase Fleurs -No, that is entailed-but any immense property in the neighbourhood of Kelso -and sure we are that he will make a generous landlord. Suppose that our printer clears a penny on each number, why, that amounts to upwards of L.5000 per annum ; but say twopence, and there is L.10,000 per annum, neat. But let us leave these calculations, in the general belief that paper-makers, printers, compositors, pressmen, and demons, are all about to wallow in wealth, and let us shortly consider the external circumstances of the Editor and his merry
We have seen, then, that L.200,000 are to be set aside for a genteel and handsome remuneration to ourselves and the men of talents over whom we preside. We prefer a moderate salary, if fixed, to a much more splendid thing, uncertain; and therefore we are willing to accept L.20,000. The English Opium-eater must be come, as far as residence will make him so, a Scottish segar-smoker; and, as minister for foreign affairs, have the goodness to accept L.10,000 a-year. If this seems shabby, he has only to drop a hint, and a few thousands additional, he well knows, can be no object to us. Tickler shall be Collector of the Cus
toms for Scotland, with a salary of L.3000; and Wastle, whose tenants have given over paying rents, has signified his willingness to accept the Home-Department, at L.4000. Now we four, Christopher North, the English Opium-Eater, Tickler, and Wastle, will, we hold, conduct the affairs of a great Magazine with more ability than all the literary men of Europe in a slump. The Odontist, with his characteristic generosity, has refused a salary; his practice among our fair subscribers being now at once so extensive and so lucrative, that probably in a few years he will retire from the profession, and dedicate himself entirely to the completion of his great National Work. O'Doherty has solicited the situation of Traveller for Orders, and to collect the outstanding rural debts; and as they are not likely to exceed L.2 or 3000 a-year, we shall not baulk the Ensign in any rational scheme of personal aggrandizement. A's wishes are moderate-a cottage at Lasswade, with 10001. a-year, and he shall have it. Money goes a long way in Germany, and Kemperhausen, who is now at Frankfort-on-the-Main, can smoke his pipe and get maudlin with Müllner on 500. The two Mullions have asked a few thousands by way of loan, as they have opened a splendid provision warehouse at the head of Leith Walk, and let their shew of hams tell the world the extent of our generosity.
But while we shall thus take care of all our resident contributors, our remuneration to all our literary friends will be on a scale of proportionate magnificence. We shall henceforth pay fifty guineas a sheet for common articles, and shall not bogle at a hundred for prime. A number will contain about 30 sheets
our annual presents to non-resident contributors may be somewhere about 1.40,000. ; so that a considerable share of profit will still be left in our hands. A serious question arises, how is it to be employed? In the first place, we intend to found twenty travelling contributorships, at a salary of 10001. each per annum. We know that, notwithstanding what is said to the contrary by gentlemen shabby genteel, travell ing abroad cannot be done cheaper with any comfort. These travelling contribu tors shall be sent all over Europe, Asia, America, and Africa. Their discoveries
will first of all be given to the public in the Magazine, and then in the usual quartos. This enlightened zeal and liberality of ours in the cause of science must make the African Association feel themselves "pretty damned considerable cheap," to use the expressive phraseology of Upper Canada. No travelling-contributor will be taken under 17 or above 70 years of age, and he must speak instinctively all the languages known since the demolition of the Tower of Babel, like the late Dr John Leyden.
Notwithstanding all these princely benefactions, a balance we find is still upon our hands, and we confess that we feel considerable difficulty in fixing on its application. Odoherty would fain endow a Foundling Hospital or a Magdalen Asylum; but the policy of such buildings is more than questionable. The Odontist proposes founding a College at Dinningyst, and Z is anxious that Missionaries should be sent to propagate Christianity among the natives of Cockaigne. But we shall let our readers into the secret a few pages farther on.
We have now spoken slightly of the probable application of parts and particles of two-thirds of the gross total of the returns. We come now to allude to the remaining L.200,000, which will become the annual netting of the Proprietors and Trade. And here we are necessarily led into some details.
The readers of this our very hasty and rude Prospectus will have perceived, probably, by this time, that we intend there shall be no other Magazine but our own. The One is to supersede, or rather to include, all others; and we feel confident that a single moment's reflection will induce all the proprietors, editors, and contributors of the most respectable Magazines in the kingdom, to join the Great Concern. They had as well be swallowed up at once with a good grace. It is for their own advantage that they should be so. Their currents must join the vortex.
There are in Britain just six Magazines, as far as we know, worthy of joining the Grand Coalition-Taylor and Hessey's, Colburn's, the Gentleman's, Sir Richard's, the European, and the Scotch Episcopal. All these
several corps d'armee, which hitherto have been acting without concert, and sometimes for one power, and sometimes for another, must come over with colours flying and drums beating to the Emperor of the North. All little differences of opinion must be laid aside; and the united Power may conquer the world.
Taylor and Hessey, Colburn, Sir Richard, Messrs Nichols and Sons, Mr Asperne's heirs, and Messrs Macready, Skelly, and Muckersy, must all hoist their flags under the great banner of the Sultan Ebony. Let them divide the £200,000 among them as they chuse, and let them spend it as they chuse, only our friendship for Mr Blackwood impels us to offer him a few hints on the application of his moiety. With the other proposed proprietors, being personally unacquainted, they might think we were using an unwarrantable liberty with them, were we to interfere with any of their private concerns.
To Mr Blackwood, then, we have to propose, first, that he present Michael Linning with a promise of £30,000, which is all that is now wanting to complete the subscriptionmoney requisite for the erection of the Parthenon on the Calton-hill. It is a most absurd thing in us to call Edinburgh the Modern Athens, and yet not to have the Parthenon to shew, in support of our modest and appropriate appellation. Such is the public spirit of all ranks of people in Scotland, that the subscription amounts to several thousand pounds; and Mr Blackwood, we are sure, will never think of grudging so paltry a sum. All that he will require in return, will be to have his name either inscribed in letters of gold, or engraved on a marble slab on the front of the chief portico, and perhaps his bust set by the side of that of Minerva. It does not, however, seem unreasonable, on second thoughts, that he should draw the rents of all the bottoms in the seats of the Presbyterian Kirk, which, we understand, is judiciously to be placed as a kernel in the shell of the Grecian Temple; and, as we shall get a call moderated in favour of the Rev. Mr L******, to preach in the Parthenon, Ebony may, after all, get 3 per cent for his coin.
In the second place, we humbly propose, that the Publisher make a loan to Government, on lower terms than Ricardo or Rothschild would do, for the purpose of annually clearing and repairing the Caledonian Canal. In the third place, we humbly propose that he shall dig a tunnel below the Frith of Forth, connecting_our shores with the kingdom of Fife. This is a speculation that would pay well. We undertake ourselves to light the tunnel by a contrivance of our own that will astonish the scientific world, and put gas into bad odour. Mr Blackwood has many sons; and as his two
eldest boys will be soon able for a very responsible situation, they must be the Head Clerks of the Establishment, under the taking title of "Twins of the Tunnel."
In the fourth place, Blackwood must give a helping hand to government, to enable them to put the finishing stone to the Plymouth Breakwater.
Well, all is fixed, and a great deal more. But what become of all the contributors of the six Engulphed Magazines? Not a hair of one of their heads shall be wet. We take them all on trial, at fifty guineas a sheet.
I lift my eyes upon the radiant Moon,
TO VOLUME TENTH.
TEN VOLUMES ARE COMPLETED! AND BETWEEN
SEVEN AND EIGHT THOUSAND PAGES THEY CONTAIN;
OF MELTING PATHOS, OF DERISION KEEN,
OF CRITICISM TRUE, OF SMILING WIT,
OF BOIST'ROUS HUMOUR, MERRIMENT EXQUISITE,
BUT, ABOVE ALL, THROUGH GOOD AND ILL SUCCESS,
HAVE SOUGHT BY WORD OR DEED TO WORK HER SHAME,
WE O'ER THE EARTH HAVE WON IMMORTAL FAME.